Heather-Ann Ferri: Childhood Trauma, Self-Care, and Learning to Finally Use Her Voice

Welcome to the Internal Shift Show. I'm Debbie

Longo, transformational coach. This show explores

how the way we think, decide and respond internally

influences where we end up over time. Today's

conversation draws on real experience and expertise

to look at how small internal shifts can change

direction, momentum and outcomes. We have a very

special guest today, Heather Ann Ferry. Good

afternoon, Heather. Welcome to the show. Debbie,

it's such an honor to be here. Thank you. Thank

you. It's an honor to have you on the show. I'm

going to ask you to tell your story today and

point out a situation or some type of life event

or change where you went from a negative situation

to a positive and then your process. what happened

in between, right? Now, I do this show for a

few different reasons, and one reason is because

everybody has their own individual story, and

there are things in other people's stories that

people can relate to. Now, some people might

be in situations or... just even a negative thought

pattern or something. And they say, I don't want

to be this way anymore, or I'm not feeling right,

or I think my life can be better than what it

is now. They might not know how to do that. They

might not know how to move forward. They might

not even know that that's even possible because

a lot of times when people are in a negative

situation or scenario, they just conform that

to be normal. So it's like they might want to

get out of it. They might not know how to. But

then they're just accepting it as that. So it's

a matter of do I want to accept it as something

else? How do I move forward? So there's a lot

of different explanations of this. That's one

of the main reasons why I have this show. So

if you could do that for me, I would appreciate

it. Thank you. Let me set the stage. I'm about.

39 years old at the time. I'm 53 at this moment,

but I'm going to go back about 15 years. I'm

39 years old. I have just moved back to Pittsburgh,

Pennsylvania after being in New York City for

many years. And I am working part -time as a

yoga meditation instructor privately. And then

I'm hired out into different facilities like

senior homes, charter schools, to do specific

programs. And so I'm like a little bit like half

of my income is an entrepreneur and half of my

income is a W9 form, you know. And so I'm working

at a senior home as an independent contractor

going in working in Alzheimer's dementia departments

doing like medical meditations. And I want to

set up the stage for this. I loved working with

seniors. So I would come in 10 minutes before

my class. I would stay 10 minutes, 15 minutes

afterwards. Why would I do that? I was engaging

with the seniors. I was trying to understand

them. And I came to a lot of conclusions, especially

about memory loss, seeing how a lot of women

had repressed traumas from childhood abuse, which

is my story. and seeing just the power of we

were talking before we got on the podcast about

human contact, sitting beside a senior, having

the honor to hold their hand. I was very engaged

and fell in love with their stories and their

wisdom and really felt like at times there were

mystical experiences that would happen that science

couldn't explain. One of my favorite seniors

was 91 years old and she could do this meditation

that 40 year olds couldn't do. You know, so I

was seeing things behind closed doors and really

engaged. Sometimes I would do free talks and

I was that person that was always trying to serve

and help everybody else, which is a key point

here. everybody else. And as I was doing this,

I was also working on healing my childhood abuse

at home behind closed doors that nobody knew

about my PTSD that nobody knew about. And as

I was working on meditations and energy work,

I started to get a lot of pain, a lot of pain

in my body started to show up quickly. and was

scary and I didn't want to be medicated because

I had actually been over medicated as a child

for many years. So the medical system ignored

the shy girl that didn't talk, the face that

looked like she had a massive stroke from her

mother almost choking her to death, and just

medicated her all day long. So there was a part

of me that knew my body was speaking something.

I was afraid of it at that moment, wasn't quite

sure what to do about it, but I was the over

giver as many people who work in senior homes

and social care and all that tend to be the over

givers. And so what started to happen is this

pain was happening and I was trying to hide it

because you hide it as a child when you come

from childhood abuse. Nobody's really you're

afraid that you're going to be literally taken

out. And so I'm coming back into these patterns,

but I'm also seeing that the staff, the janitors,

the cleaners, the aides, I started to see that

they were being overworked, that they were tired,

that they had pains and aches. And so I was trying

to communicate to upper management, we need wellness

programs for these people. These people are frontliners.

They're showing up every day, but they've got

other stuff. But it was a mirroring that was

happening. I wasn't aware of it at the time,

obviously. This is, you know, 15 years later,

you know, I'm talking about it. But what happened

is the pain increased and increased and I needed

to take time off. And it was a big deal for me

to ask for time off because it was sort of like,

oh, I'm not the superhero anymore. Oh, I'm not

the... I'm going to have to face that I actually

do have pain. And so I asked for a month off,

which was really coming in once, twice a week.

So it wasn't like a full time job because I had

other jobs going on. And I took off all my work

to to do my own programs to start shaking out

trauma, to try to release the PTSD and the pain.

And it was I look back now as I was sort of thinking

about the story for you, Debbie, I was looking

back and realizing it was like really the first

Marker of me saying I need to come first somehow

in my life because right now everything has always

been about everyone else and so as scary as it

was for me to take off time work and to do with

all these different healing modalities and and

granted I came from working three universities

side of sort of could put my own programs together

for myself. I still had to do them. I still had

to feel the pain and do them and go through that

shame and go through all the guilt and the feelings

that you have when you're not taught that it's

important to take care of yourself. It's like,

it's like, oh my gosh. So by the end of the month,

I was ready to slowly get back in the game. When

I go to the mailbox, I get a letter and I'm fired

from the senior home. And I cried. I cried. And

at that time I felt anger and I felt Like I dedicated

so much free time besides the time and I love

those seniors and I know my work was doing something

and it was helping them and this is the thank

you I get when I just asked because I have PTSD

to take some time off and I could have sat there

and sort of just been like angry and fed up about

it but I have to say like because I don't know

what it was, but there was something inside of

me. It was like, you have to invest in your own

business more. You have to call the shots more.

And it wasn't easy. I had to take some business

classes. I had to move forward slowly, but those

new skill sets. allowed me to make new and more

money, which then allowed me to take care of

myself better. And I started to set boundaries.

It took a long, I made a lot of mistakes. There's

a lot more stories, but it was the foundational

story of me just sort of, I was naive. I just

thought why they wouldn't do that. But you hear

it all the time. You're just a number. I thought

I'm doing really accountable work here. Like

I'm making it, but you're just a number. And

so there was a part of me that realized, well,

I could go with their psychology or I could decide

that what I do matters, how my health is matters.

And I just started taking what I would consider

to be the road less traveled, especially in my

city and in my environment, especially in my

upbringing. So that is that is a little taste

of one of several stories of hitting rock bottom

and getting back up. But that was the foundational

one. That was the biggest one because nobody

in my family would do this. This wasn't taught

to me. This wasn't mirrored. And I saw specifically

women who worked in the senior homes and overworked.

And you could tell by the limbs. You could tell

by the back pain. You could tell that they were

exhausted. And it's not a judgment. They're heroes.

But they're not heroes to themselves. And that's

really what I wanted to share in using my voice.

And I thank you, Debbie, because part of my journey,

I wasn't allowed to use my voice growing up.

I wasn't allowed to use my voice in the senior

home, obviously, to just say I needed to take

time off. And so eventually you have to use your

voice, even if nobody respects it. You have to

respect your own voice. Yeah, that was very good.

Thank you. So I talked about this in my other

podcast today. What I was thinking of when you

were sharing. was that sometimes i get ideas

or clues or a desire or something like that to

change to make a career change or a life change

or relationship change and then i decide i don't

want to do that now i'm not stopping the process

cuz that's another process to write. So the process

or wherever i get the information from maybe

maybe somebody tells me something or i get an

offer or something like that that process already

started it's just going going going. But i'm

the one that stops it so then i say oh no i don't

want to do this change stop. And then I go back

to my normal life. Then I get another opportunity

or sign or somebody says something right to do

a change, any change. Think about any change.

And then I say, no, I don't want to do that.

Stop. Now I stop the process. I go back to my

normal life. Unfortunately, sometimes this is

part of my story, too. We have to go through

do something has to happen. that's a negative

situation in order for me to force that process

to start. Maybe it was a process, maybe it was

positive, and then I hit something that's negative,

and then I don't want to go back to that, continue

on that positive path. So this is the thing.

So kind of sounds like what happened to you,

the way that you're describing it, but the point

is that I don't want to just ignore those signs

and those opportunities. Those little, like I

said, maybe somebody could tell me something

because the problem with that is that's not only

going to stop me from being positive because

I'm constantly hitting a negative brick wall,

because then I'm sucked into whatever's negative

thing is happening. And not only is that, but

I'm not going to be able to move forward and

evolve in my own life, in my own journey, because

I keep stopping the process or I'm stopping what

I'm supposed to be doing next or what I want

to do, you know, what I feel like it or whatever.

So now you're describing this situation where

you had the abuse and then you got fired from

the nursing home and that. kick -started you

to start your own business, correct? Basically,

yeah. Something to along those lines. Here's

the question. What was your process? What was

your thinking? And how did you go about going

when you went through the time that you... Before

you got fired, you were saying that nobody was

listening to you. You just became the caretaker,

right? From that point... when you while you

were working there until when you got fired.

What was your process during that time? So the

process before I took time off is what you mean.

That process was it's a good question because

the process was. Is that i was listening i'm

a great listener i'm a great counselor i'm a

great teacher but there was always outputs and

i wasn't working on myself input so i wasn't

designating self care time for myself which is

a huge part of my lifestyle now. And I think

that that's why at the end of my time there before

I took time off, I could see it in the caregivers.

And then when I took time off and obviously did

my own meditations and my own work, I could see,

oh, I was missing out on the fact that this is

a lifestyle that I have to take care of myself.

I have to heal some pretty serious stuff and

it's not going to happen overnight. So it began

my sort of beginning stages of Self care isn't

an option. It's mandatory. OK, that was good.

Thank you. And what about when you went from

you getting fired, which I guess was a surprise

and my surprise to starting your own business?

What was your thinking and your process during

that time? I don't sit too long. in negativity,

I think it has to do with the meditation work

that I do. And I know I'm aware that the meditation

work is important because I grew up with my mother

was my abuser and she was negative all day long.

So I'm trying to reprogram my upbringing. I'm

trying to reprogram the predator energy that

I don't want to be. So if I don't want to be

it, I can't copy it. So I can't sit like she

would have sat for years complaining about that

stuff. I can't do that now. Now I could complain

for a moment and be aware of it and think it's

unfair, but then I got to move on from it. So

I think the meditation and the breath work was

regulating my nervous system because if your

nervous system is a regulated, it's hard to make

changes. You know what I mean? My mom couldn't

make changes. She was on the loop of negativity

24 seven. And I'm not a like over positive thinker

either. I'm a practical person. Every day, like,

let's deal with what's going on today. This is

how I feel. I'm going to have ups, I'm going

to have downs. So I think I sat in it for a moment.

And then because of be doing the meditation work

every day from taking that month off, it was

already setting me up for going, I need to find

out how I can start making income this way. And

I just started putting my resume out. I'm a go

getter, positioning myself. And then I started

making a lot more money quickly. Shockingly.

And so that was new to me because I was told

growing up, I was just less than, you know, so

that was a huge. I wasn't even aware of that,

that that was even a possibility. What made you

decide to do this? All the meditation and besides,

we know that you got fired. But did you have

any? extra help or did somebody talk to you about

this or did you just feel it like an intuitive

thing inside of you? What made you go in this

direction? I'm going to go back to when I was

living in New York City before I moved back to

Pittsburgh. I was in show business. I was in

show business, had a very successful career,

except for the fact that I had a lot of childhood

abuse. And so I was a sugar addict numbing myself.

I started studying yoga and meditation in New

York City, which was led by my father, ironically,

a blue collar worker in Pittsburgh. So he hurt

his shoulder and was going to a physical therapist.

This was like 25 years ago. Yoga wasn't even

mentioned in Pittsburgh, 35 years. Yoga wasn't

even mentioned. And he was a blue collar worker

and the therapist was studying Kundalini yoga

and specific forms for diabetes. My dad was diabetic

and he wanted to use them as a guinea pig to

see if he could help reverse his diabetes. And

he said, yeah, but my dad didn't want anybody

to know about it because there was no yoga centers

in Pittsburgh at the time. When I came home one

holiday to visit my dad, he took me into the

office and said he was going to share something.

I thought it was going to be more family trauma

from his side of the family when he shared the

first meditation that started me off. and breath

work. So when I went back to New York, I started

studying that. And so there came a point after

three years or four years, I'm saying Alexander

Pilates, all this stuff in New York, that the

reason why I moved back to Pittsburgh was I wanted

to face why I left in the first place, which

was running away from mom. So that was your process.

Yeah, I mean, so that that it's like we're like

jumping times. But yeah. And healing is never

linear, I tell people. But that's how I got started.

My dad was the last person on earth that I would

have thought like he abandoned me in so many

ways because he stayed. He supported the narcissist

psychopath that he was married to, in my opinion,

but he would give me tidbits of healing stuff.

So I deal with water and water education. My

dad worked on the water pipes and talked about

the chemicals. So he didn't do any, he tapped

into it a little bit, but he never fully healed

his traumas, his childhood traumas. But it was

like, I was a sponge and it was like the daughter

that wanted her father. And so the only thing

I got was like, oh, he's mentioning this toll

and then he's mentioning that toll. because people

ask me how do you have I work with eight ancient

sciences are like how did that come about well

it kind of came piece by piece I did have one

teacher only to be honest with you and I think

you'll appreciate her so after the senior home

and I'm working as in working with my own business

coaching I'm progressing I did have another pretty

major healing crisis but I started working with

a reiki master and she was very unique and outside

the box. I tend to try to find those people.

She was somebody that was a psychiatrist for

30 years back in Pittsburgh, working in a lockdown

system with girls and her techniques were not

working. And this was like probably, I don't

know, 40 years ago because she was 20 years older

than me. She went to her boss saying, this isn't

working. I want to study energy work. He said,

well, you can study it, but we're not paying

for it. You got to do it on your own time. So

she did. And she started using it with the girls

and it was working. And so she left her full

-time job, health insurance, everything. She

started her private practice. It became the biggest

private practice in Pittsburgh. She's now in

Texas. and she was my teacher and she was the

real deal. She was the real deal because she

understood the body, the energy, psychology,

and I ended up teaching her some things within

my own practice of yoga and meditation. So we

ended up having a and water. She joined my water

systems. We had a mutual respect, but she really

ignited a lot of things that I didn't know anything

up because I grew up through Carla. I grew up

with high levels of trauma in both sides of the

family system. You know, these words, even yoga,

that was spoken. None of that was just like so

is like these pieces of puzzles. And and that's

why I think like. This show is so important because

I'm mentioning everyday people. And like even

my dad had a lot of intuition that he might not

have even labeled it that. But I could see it

back then. He he actually made positive impacts

on people's lives energetically. He just didn't

know it, you know. And so we all have that ability.

Yeah, very good. That was a very good explanation

that to me completes the cycle of that. part

of your life or that chapter. And it might be

closed. It might not necessarily be. That's completely

up to you. That's not up to anybody else because

it can continue. But if I don't want to or I

can branch off into something else or whatever.

But if I don't want it to be that way, then it's

not going to be. So that's why I'm saying it's

like people say things are planned and everything.

Yeah, that's true. But we also have the ability.

to think for ourselves and make decisions for

ourselves because we're not robots. Is it planned?

Yeah, but there are many different paths that

we can go on. And those are the choices that

we make every day. And that's just normal human

being stuff. That's not psychology or anything

like that. But what you explained was very good

and it was very detailed. And I think that It

not only told a story, but it explains a very

good process from where you got, from where you

were, from your childhood, right, and everything

that we talked about. And now you came out the

other side and you're a survivor from all of

that negative stuff that happened in your childhood.

And that's really the bottom line. And what happened

now, you're sitting here and we're talking about

this and that and your life and you're smiling.

And that's really, to me is just a gift. And

that's just, that's my story too. I have childhood

abuse and stuff too. So that's just a gift in

my life too, that I can be this person that I

am today with all the stuff that happened to

me. I'm not sitting in my suffering. I'm a completely

different person than I was. And that sounds

exactly your story too. So how do you feel today,

right now, right this second, based on this whole

podcast and everything we just said so far? I

just love it. And I wanted to add to what you

were sharing in the sense that for the listeners

out there too, So just another little tidbit

of information. So my mother physically attacked

me a lot around the neck and tried to take me

out and screamed horrible things to me. So I

grew up in a household without a voice and my

dad didn't have a voice. And so it took a long

time. I was afraid to speak. I was afraid to

share my stories and I was afraid to share my

psychology and my thought process. It took a

lot of time. And so if you're out there and you're

somebody like that, Just do baby steps. You'll

make mistakes. Debbie was a really great coach

before we got on, which I really appreciated.

She just kind of like set up the stage and it

provided safety and comfort, which is really

important. And it's okay to walk away from conversations

if you're not ready to have them. You just have

to honor where you're at. And a lot of people,

they see me now because I'm going out and I'm

speaking on platforms and stuff, but it wasn't

an overnight process. It took a lot of time.

I had to be patient with my inner child. You

know, and I had to sometimes say, I'm not ready

to speak about that. All very good. Agreed. So

you feel good and I feel good. And hopefully,

hopefully everybody else feels good, too. Yeah,

hopefully there's some good energy coming out

of this. That was a very good way to close. And

I would like to also add that to reiterate a

little bit also what you were saying is that.

If anybody is in any type of negative space or

going through something that's negative or just

in a place that they don't want to be in, there's

always a way out. I don't believe that there

is any negative situation because anything negative

can always turn into a positive. Whatever it

is in your life, just use your imagination. Nobody's

perfect. Everybody has negative situations. Unfortunately,

that's just the reality. I'm hoping... that a

listener or anybody can look at what they want

to be and what they want to accomplish. Instead

of sitting in, this is my situation and this

is how it's going to be when I accepted it that.

And that is the individual's choice to decide

how they want to live their life. Absolutely.

And for me, the one thing I am proud of is that

I was my own cheerleader. You got to be your

own cheerleader. You got to wake up. Put on whatever

music makes you happy. Put those affirmations

on the wall. Sing whatever you scream them if

you need to. But you've got to be your own cheerleader.

And when you have it for yourself, then it's

yours. Perfect. Thank you. I really appreciate

that. So as we close this conversation as a reminder,

that progress. rarely comes from one big decision,

but from the internal choices we repeat. If something

from today's discussion connected with you, take

a moment to notice how those internal choices

showed up in your own life. This has been the

Internal Shift Show. Thank you for listening.

And thank you, Heather, for being on the show.

I really appreciate it. Thank you so much.