Kanika Vasudeva: Stillbirth, Surrender, and Finding Purpose Through Grief and Healing

Welcome to the Internal Shift Show. I'm Debbie

Longo, Transformational Coach. This show explores

how the way we think, decide, and respond internally

influences where we end up over time. Today's

conversation draws on real experience and expertise

to look at how small internal shifts can change

direction, momentum, and outcomes. I'm joined

today by a special guest, Kanika. Good afternoon,

Kanika. Welcome to the show. Good afternoon,

Debbie. Thank you so much for having me. And

thank you for being here. I'm going to ask you

tonight to tell a little bit of your story and

point out a situation. or scenario or some type

of life change that happened where you went through

a process and you came out the other side with

the end result. And the end result should always

be positive. Now I do the show for a few different

reasons. And one reason is because everybody

has their own individual story, but there are

parts to people's stories that other people can

relate to. So let's say somebody is going through

something. that they don't know how to get out

of. And they're sick and tired of being sick

and tired. They're fed up and they just want

out of whatever situation it is. and they don't

know how to do it. Or maybe there's somebody

listening that just thinks that whatever situation

they're in or scenario, they just think that

it's normal. They just think that it's gonna

be this way. They're gonna have to deal with

it. And it's gonna be this way for the rest of

their lives. And this is how it's gonna be. So

the point to that is there's no such thing as

a negative situation or scenario because anything

that's negative could always be turned into a

positive. So I have a lot of episodes on this

podcast already because people like to tell their

story, obviously. And these stories that we talk

about and these situations here. or show different

examples of how people went through a process

and came out the other side. So it's showing,

it's just showing that they're going from a negative

to a positive. That's really all that we're trying

to do here. And if the listener can get anything

out of this, if they can't, maybe they can listen

to another one of my episodes. I have the titles

on there and everything, so I'm hoping. I'm hoping

this will help somebody. So if you could do that

for me, I would appreciate it. Thank you. Thanks,

Debbie. And I love the way you framed it because

it is all about the process and it's all about

helping listeners step on and move on from where

they're at as well. I'll take listeners to maybe

a deeper, sadder experience. For me, my life

around mid -35, I was doing well. on the outside

surface. I just wasn't doing super well inside.

I felt really depressed, felt lost with meaning.

Professionally going really well. I was serving

at major global brands, traveling around. Life

looked okay. I had a young small two -year -old

and I seemed to be happily married. We were traveling.

Life looked good on the outside. Inside, I wasn't

doing well. Marriage wasn't doing. I was questioning

whether I even wanted to live because everything

seemed to have lost meaning. I was also pregnant

with my daughter at that time. And then I lost

her when she was 31 weeks old and I had to give

birth to a stillborn baby. That experience was

devastating. It was shocking. But I also find

that, especially all the hard moments in life,

they give us that time to reflect and see what's

really happened. For me, previously, whatever

happened, I am just a sort of person who likes

to move on and do something. So I would either

get busy, I would be in denial, I would just

find other ways out. Whereas with this one, I

couldn't let the grief go, I couldn't let the

shock go. And life is very beautiful at this

time because at the one end, I was super just

struggling to live, get up from bed every day.

And then my son was two years old. So it was

such a contrast because I so wanted to give up

on life. And two year old kids, they are a blessing

and you have to really run around them and make

sure that they are not getting themselves in

danger. And I would constantly watch him. I would

watch him how he would be so excited with water,

how he would be so excited with even just crinkled

paper and every little thing. And I would look

at this little human being and go, how come I

myself would have had a point in life where I

was so happy, so excited about everything. And

what happened that as I moved forward, everything

got lost and I lost the meaning in life. So that

experience culminated in me trying to find meaning

back in my life. And so coaching for me has been

that journey of bringing the shift to other people

too, especially business owners, to help them

build businesses that are impactful, that are

meaningful, that give them profit, but also ones

that help them enjoy their life. And for the

listeners, I want to share that whatever hard

place you are in, because I definitely did not

feel this courageous then, I never knew I would

be talking about this. But that was the darkest

time of my life. And I can say in hindsight that

all the dark experiences, they're also an invitation

for us to re -explore ourselves. They are rebirth

as well. Allow yourself to be reborn. Yes, that

was very, very good. And I thank you for that

example. And I'm sorry for everything that happened

to you. What was your process like from when

you knew that you were going to have a stillborn

baby, and even before that, and then it actually

happened? You talked a little bit about being

devastated and different things, because is there...

What were you thinking? What was your thought

process? Well, so what happened was that I went

to bed as usual. I used to have really busy days

when I was pregnant with her because I was trying

to prepare for her arrival. 31 weeks and I felt,

well, pretty soon I wouldn't, I would get even

bigger and then I wouldn't be able to move as

much. So I was like in full steam trying to get

everything as organized as possible. So it was

a usual busy day, went to bed. got obviously

really tired and just went straight to sleep.

And that night, Debbie, I slept really well because

my baby did not mow. She did not wake me up.

That night I was losing her. And so I got up

in the morning as the strange thing. Like, of

course I've slept well and I'm like, well, she's

not mowing. And my son was there to look after

him and so on. And I'm like, you don't want to

think of all those things. I'm like, maybe she's

just quiet. And then I'm like, well, I need to

go get checked. And so I went to the doctors

and found out that I had lost her. That was surreal.

That was shocking because I lost her. And I don't

think anybody prepares for that. Well, the process

here was, I think, probably just absorbing the

shock and just coming to terms with it. It took

time. because initially it was like, okay, I've

got to, so they told us, well, you need to come

again and book in a proper, like I was called

the next day so that I could deliver the baby.

And then everybody has to be there. I just gone

to see them. And that's a proper procedure to

have the baby out. So it was a delivery. I remember

even that evening thinking like, oh gosh, like

now we have to organize a funeral. It takes you

a time to understand that because That wasn't

in any sort of wildest comprehension that I thought

about that. But luckily the hospital, the people,

they were really amazing. The staff really held

us through it and they guided us through the

whole thing. As in you can go here, they really

know how to take care of the baby. And you would

think about simple things such as putting clothes

on the baby. Now, I had clothes for the baby,

but I thought I would have a newborn baby. 31

weeks is, it's a much younger, smaller baby.

And I remember the nurse asking me something

like, well, do you have any clothes for her?

And I said, yeah, I would have something at home.

And she said, no, they're going to be too big

for her. They were so kind and she said, OK,

I've got some outputs and you can choose which

one you would like to put on her. So I really

thank them. I think in that sense, the process

there was just completely surrendering, just

surrendering. I had no other option there. I

think I was forced. And this is where I would

like to invite the listeners as well that when

you feel life's really getting hard, see if you

can just surrender. My process there in terms

of recovery, this was a long process. where I

just kept surrendering more and more. And my

literal process there was I would tell the universe

because I needed to live on. I had a young child

and I would say, look, I don't know how to go

through this and I just need your help. And I

would have that as a prayer almost all the time,

every single minute of the day, because every

single minute was very hard to pass. And that

was such a blessing because things started shifting

with that, other people started coming into my

life. When you do that, so when you surrender

like that, and see, surrender means that I'm

letting go of the control. And there is relief

in that, because I don't have to carry it. So

that's the first step. When you surrender, it

means you get open, then the doors open, then

your teachers, whatever you're seeking, that

will show up. For me that... opened up in terms

of me finding other teachers who helped me out

on my journey. But that was a transformative

thing. So the process then was just leaning into

the teachers and just going, okay, look, I need

to shift. I need to change. So that's then the

next step, which is after you surrender, you

start thinking, okay, what do I need to do? Now,

in my case, at that point in time, very honestly,

there was no big massive goal. It was just that

I want to live on for my son. and myself, like

I want to live on and I want to come to peace

with life. So think about your goal and find

a coach, find a teacher, find a mentor who will

take you there. This is so underrated. I think

it is getting popular now, but it is such an

underrated skill because if there is somebody

who has been there and who has done that. or

if they can help you with the skills to move

on, you really need to invest in that. This is

such a gift, like I could have not moved out

from that time if I hadn't found the teachers

to help me. And they were amazing. They were

able to guide me. My teacher was a spiritual

teacher, the first one that I went to. And he

helped me reconnect with my daughter, which was

amazing because that helped me find closure with

everything. And when I connected, with my daughter.

I think this is what listeners will love. I used

to feel so guilty because I'd lost my daughter

when I was sleeping. And I connected with her

and I said sorry as a mother that I couldn't

make you live, you know. And she said I did not

do anything wrong. She was never meant to be

born. She never intended to be born. And she

came in life actually to wake me up. So she had

done her purpose. And now I am doing my purpose

by being awake and by following my meaning and

helping others to that. Yeah, thank you very

much for that. That was all very good. The theory

is that this is another one of the things that

I teach to. I incorporate it. That's if it comes

up, if it's part of that, that program for that

person is that when spirit when like a spirit

dies or a person or like a very young person

or something like not an adult. They just decide,

especially even like a baby, they just decide

they like change their minds. They just decide

that they don't want to be there anymore. They

just want to go someplace else. They don't really

change their mind. But the equivalent of that,

that's the whole theory where they just go someplace

else or whatever. But like I said, the point,

I'm sorry that happened to you, but sometimes

things have to happen to us in order for us to

go through a period of change that is traumatic,

something that happens that we don't really like.

We don't want to go through it. So it's like

growing pains. But when I get through it 20 times

stronger than I was before that, situation or

traumatic event happened. Those are the lessons

that I learned in between that. Not in every

case, but because there's all different reasons

why we have these types of things happen. But

that's just my experience from my own personal

experience and from working with other people,

because unfortunately, Sometimes these things

have to happen to us in order for us to go through

certain processes in our lives to get to whatever

path we go on or whatever was meant to be for

us to do or career change or whatever. And that's

just the process of our life. So everybody has

a different life. Everybody has a different story.

Everybody has different paths and processes and

all that stuff. And what you went through, like

I said, I'm very sorry, was sounds I don't even

know. I can't even imagine when I've never experienced

it, you know, so I'm not going to say I have.

I'm not going to say I know anything about it,

but it sounds like you're here. You're talking

about it. You're telling the story. You're a

survivor, which is the next question I'm going

to ask. But there was actually two questions

that you answered, which was good. So you, you

definitely came out the other side. So whatever,

and you explained a little bit about your process

and different things. So I think kind of like

the lessons are incorporated into that. I'm not

going to go through the whole thing. It's really

not. not the purpose of this, but you did learn,

you did go through that process that you were

meant to go through. That's what I'm saying.

And now this is how you are, a different person

on a different path. And this is why I always

ask people, the guests, to have a positive...

outcome that the end result should always be

positive. Because I want to know, how did they

get from a negative to a positive? That's what

I want to know. And sometimes guests don't, nobody's

perfect. You know what I mean? They might say,

oh yeah, it's positive, but then they're going

to say something, you know what I mean? Something

negative, which is totally fine because we don't

know what we're going to say anyway. This is

a natural conversation. This is not questions,

bam, bam, bam. That's not what this podcast is.

We talk as we go. So whatever thoughts or ideas

come into your head basically was what you're

going to say. You kind of know, but it kind of

just flows that way. That's the whole idea to

this is to give some genuine examples of what

we did, what happened and the end result. And

that is, to me, the most important thing because

we want the listener to be able to identify with

something that we said. It could be anything,

not necessary. Maybe the listener didn't have

a stillborn birth. Maybe they have a child that

they have an issue with or something like that,

something that they could connect with what we're

saying or something you never know could be anything.

And that's why. I like to make this a conversation

like this where somebody's really talking from

their heart and their soul. Every single guest

I have does this. And I give my little two cents

and some theories and whatever what we're talking

about here. the lessons and the process is so

important. And sometimes I could go off my path.

That's another thing, too. That actually happened

to me. And then I have a traumatic experience

and then I have to go back onto the path, which

leads me to another path. That's a whole nother

conversation prior for another podcast. But this

was very, very good. So how do you feel? This

is the big question. How do you feel right now?

Second, based on this whole podcast, everything

that we said, everything we talked about and

everything that you said, how do you feel and

what are you thinking right now? What's your

thought process? That experience changed everything,

everything for me, the way I looked at life.

So the earlier Kanaka was more ambitious. And

ironically, it isn't that the ambition has gone

down for me, but it's far more grounded. Like

earlier, ambition was that this is what I need

to achieve, and that was all I could think of

if something else happened. It was wrong. Something

failed. And I was also seeking a lot of external

validation. Whereas now, it's a lot more peaceful.

A lot of things that I want now, they... come

to fruition because I am very focused. And I

also believe that because of that focus drive

the purpose that I have behind it, the meaning

that I have behind it. I feel that the force

is a lot more powerful. Like when I wanted to

begin coaching and help other business owners

build profitable businesses, that is a mission

much bigger than me. I honestly and truly believe

that. And I also see all the time that clients,

there are lots of times where I know in the ways

in which they're coming to me and other people

just come into my field and they go like, well,

we came across maybe this episode or this thing

we heard from someone and we just knew we had

to reach out to you. So I feel now there's a

bigger force that works with me because I'm in

alignment and I'm operating from that truth and

that genuine interest to serve. So that's one

shift. The other shift that has happened is that

life used to be very much around what others

thought like around meeting some goals in a certain

way. It's just peaceful. It's just happy. It's

just and that time it was more around running

off the next thing. My mind wasn't even peaceful.

I was always racing with thoughts. I actually

could not go to sleep. This is even before my

daughter, but I could not go to sleep without

having something to really calm myself. And I

had to do it. I was just listening to some YouTube

videos and listening to some meditation because

I knew I needed some sort of help. So I was getting

there then. But if I wasn't listening to anything

like that, my mind would just be racing. people

would say that, oh, I was sort of in a constant

state of panic or anxiety, and that wouldn't

be untrue. But if I look at now, it's great when

I have something running in the background, but

a lot of times I don't. My car is just silent.

I don't put on anything, and it's absolutely

okay. I am peaceful. Things can go up and down,

and I'm the same. There could be, and when I

say they could be up and down, it means like...

Sometimes things could be very different, but

I am the same. There's this calmness. There's

this knowingness that things will work out. more

pursuit of meaning and everything else then follows.

The other abundance and the flow, everything

that all follows. So that's the big shift. So

this is where I am now. Now it is more about

serving. How do I contribute more? How do I help

more? Like honestly, what I've taken away and

what's really helped me is my daughter, she said

very clearly that her purpose was not to be born,

her purpose was to wake me up. She and I, we

work together. She's my guiding light. And I

think in the work that I do and in the business

owners that I help, imagine this, when I help

a business owner, especially when I help women

get more empowered, find more purpose, become

more financially independent. It changes their

lives. It changes the lives of their kids. It

changes the lives of the family and everybody

and their clients who they are serving. So that

is just so deeply fulfilling for me. And I think

this is why I live in peace now. Like my work

literally is worship. And I mean that from the

deepest place in my heart, because I serve every

client with that intention that may you get the

highest expansion. Because if you did that, if

I could help you with that, then I am closer

to my purpose. Yeah, that was very good. And

that was very well said. I can't rebut that because

that was just said perfectly, perfectly. And

that's a very good way to close. And also in

closing, I would like to say that... not only

anybody could get through anything because there's

no such thing as a negative situation or scenario,

but consider what we spoke about here. And if

you can identify with the actual situation that

we're talking about, maybe there's another part

of something that we spoke about here. And you

could pick that out from this podcast. And you

could also take some... sentences or ideas or

something from this podcast and take out what

we talked about and then insert your own scenario

in there and read that, say that sentence or

that thing, right? With your own scenario in.

And that might help also. And what we're trying

to do is we're trying to ask the listener, if

they could at least be open -minded and willing

to try to live a different life, if they are

in a negative situation or scenario and a life,

try to live a life where they're happier because

they don't have to stay there. And that's really

the bottom line. So thank you for that. So as

we close this conversation as a reminder, that

progress really comes from one big decision,

but from the internal choices we repeat. If something

from today's discussion connected with you, take

a moment to notice how those internal choices

showed up in your own life. This has been the

Internal Shift Show. Thank you for listening.

And thank you, Kanika, for being on the show.

I really appreciate it. Thank you so much, Tabi.

It was a pleasure to be here. Thank you.