Belinda Coker: From Burnout and Midlife Crisis to Purpose and Freedom

Welcome to the Internal Shift Show. I'm Debbie

Longo, Transformational Coach. This show explores

how the way we think, decide, and respond internally

influences where we end up over time. Today's

conversation draws on real experience and expertise

to look at how small internal shifts can change

direction, momentum, and outcomes. I'm joined

today by a very special guest, Belinda Coker.

Good afternoon. Welcome to the show, Belinda.

Hi, Debbie. How are you today? I'm doing very

well. Awesome. I am going to ask you today to

tell your story and point out a situation or

a traumatic event or a life change or something

where you went from a negative to a positive

and you Had this thing happen, you went through

the process and the end result should always

be positive, right? Now, I do the show for a

few different reasons. And one main reason is

because everybody has their own individual story,

but there are things and other people's stories

that people can relate to. Maybe somebody is

stuck. in a situation, a negative situation that

they don't know how to get out of. Maybe somebody

is in a situation where they think it's normal

and that's just the way that they're going to

be. That's the way their life is going to be.

But I don't believe that there is any negative

thing or issue or problem. that the individual

cannot get through, because anything that's negative

can always turn into a positive. I could always

transform that and make that happen. But that's

completely up to the individual whether they

really want to do that or not. Because the first

thing I need to do is create the willingness

and say, there's something wrong and I feel that

I want to change and I just want to make a little,

very small... minute step to do that and just

to see how that works out. Because everybody's

life can always be better. So I'm going to ask

you to do that. Thank you. Back in 2020, so it

was right during the pandemic, I turned 55. And

one day I kind of had menopause a little bit

later than a lot of women. But one day I looked

in the mirror, proverbial. the mirror or whether

it was proverbial or not, I looked in the mirror

and I did not see what I like. I did not like

what I see. I was super burnt out. I was suffering

from depression. Ten years after a horrible divorce

where I really didn't come out on the good end

of it. So I really was at my wits' end and also

with menopause. I call it middle -essence. So

middle -essence is very similar to adolescence.

We've got all these hormonal and body changes

and transitions and identity transitions. But

the problem with middle -essence is that we've

got all this other baggage that we've collected

along the way. When people are 55, middle -aged,

they are looking back on their lives at all the

woulda, shoulda, coulda's and they're kind of,

and people might have aged parents where you

were children. sick partners, all sorts of things,

and everything seems compounded. And that's how

I felt. And I was drinking way too much. I was

depressed. And for years I had worn a corporate

hat. a mum hat, an ex -wife hat, a partner hat.

And I felt like I was pulled in all sorts of

directions. And I looked in the mirror one day

and I just thought, I can't do this anymore.

And I really, really, really felt down. And back

during that time, we were able to go to psychologists

quite easily under the government. And I kind

of went to a psychologist and I had one session

with her. And I kind of felt I walked out of

there and I thought, you didn't help me at all.

I thought, I need to do something. I decided

I wanted to go for a hike. I really enjoyed hiking.

35 years previously, I'd enjoyed hiking. I grew

up in New Zealand and spent most of my adult

life in Australia. In New Zealand, amazing hiking,

all through high school and university, lots

and lots of hiking. I went and bought my first

pair of hiking boots from 35 years. and I joined

a meetup group and I went on a hike. Now just

imagine I am quite unfit, I'm overweight, and

I'm drinking power too much and not in a good

mental space at all. So I went on this hike and

everybody else in the meetup group was 70 or

80 years old. And it wasn't a long hike, it was

maybe 17 kilometers, 12 miles, but it was down

a steep gully and up the other side. And I And

they were sprinting down along the trail and

up the other side and they were all glowing,

absolutely glowing. And I looked at them and

I thought, I want that. Not only do I want that

glow, but I want to be that when I am that age.

And the way that I'm going at the moment, I'm

not heading in that direction. So I started to

make small changes. The other thing is, is that

this hike, it just gave me this huge endorphin

rush. And I came out of there with, I was literally

on a high. It was as if somebody had. It spiked

my drink. I mean, that is, I felt so good, you

know, and nature is an amazing thing. And this

is what I teach now to people who are midlife

or who are not in a good space is how good nature

actually is for you. All sorts of, for all sorts

of reasons. So. I started to hike and I started

to really get in touch with it. And so much so,

as I said, I was drinking quite a lot. And then

I thought, right, when you replace something

you love, suddenly the need and the want for

alcohol starts to subside. Now, I'm not saying

it's a perfect, just wave your magic wand and

all of a sudden you no longer drink. What I'm

saying is that when you fill up your life with

things that you used to enjoy or things that

you love, suddenly you say, oh yeah, a glass

of wine. Oh yeah, sure, sure. It's not a, oh

my God, it's wine time. That suddenly goes and

And so I started to go on hikes and I started

to also do overnight hikes and actually spread

my wings a little bit further and where I would

camp out at solo hike. And then I got to a stage

where I decided that I wanted to do some really

serious hikes and I really pushed myself. I pushed

the boundaries more than I probably ever could,

but I kind of feel I was a little bit desperate.

I knew that I had to do something because I really

didn't like the way that my life was going. It

really was. I was quite scared. I was quite scared

for myself. I was really wasn't in a good place.

So I ended up over the next couple of years doing

some pretty amazing hikes, like, for example,

the. a traverse over the Arctic Circle and Greenland

solo, and then across the Red Centre in Larapinta.

And I've kind of created a life for myself where

I've left the corporate world and I now hike

and enjoy the great outdoors literally full -time

at age 60. I turned 60 on the trailer last year

and I've never felt fitter and I've never felt

happier and I just, I'm in a really good place

now and I just, and as a part of my platform,

SoulTrader, is all about encouraging women, especially

those in midlife, that it is so easy to feel

that you're stuck in a rut. It is so easy. And

everyone sort of throws all these, take mushroom,

do this, do that, do that. And you're bombarded

with things that you. feel that you should do.

Like your Instagram feed, it's just full of things,

products that you have to buy, this and that.

And you look at these middle -aged people bouncing

up and down like they're teenagers. And you sort

of put yourself up against those people and you

go, well, I don't feel like that. Well, all I

can say is it just takes baby steps and find

something that you really, really love and something

that inspires you, creates you, but also and

challenges you because confidence shows up after

you do. And that's what happens with happened

with me. Very, very good. Thank you. I really

like that. That was excellent. A few things when

you were talking, I was thinking about the first

thing is that I've been doing this a long time

and I've helped a lot of people. And the classic

thing is always. The older they are, the more

baggage they have. And that is a great reason

for them not to change. Oh, I'm over 50. I can't

go back to school. I can't change my career because

I'm too old. Oh, I've had all this stuff happen

in my past. There's no way that I could fix that.

There's no way that I could feel better. That

stuff is going to stay with me, you know? And

none of these things are actually true because

there are tons of people that have overcame that

in a million different ways, you know? But these

people have this mindset that this is the stuff,

the type of thing that they put in their head.

Now, the other thing I was thinking, which, like

I said, is always can be that there's ways to

get through that. So the other thing I was thinking

of was that it seems like you just knew and felt

what you wanted to do, which one thing that you

point out, right, was the hiking. But here's

the thing. Well, first of all, being drinking

a lot, right, is very complicated because you

have the heavy drinker and alcoholic, which obviously

we're not going to get into here. And you told

your story, which is your example, about how

you stop drinking or slow down or whatever it

is. And that's fine. But everybody has a different

level of that. Everybody has a different level

of drinking. Now, that's one thing I wanted to

say. So the other thing is that it seems like

you just knew that was what you wanted to do.

Now, the people who take. mushrooms and all these

things like like mushroom mom that they have

now all these different things that they have

where It's you take a little bit of it or marijuana

makes you feel calm and all this stuff It's not

a big deal if you take a little bit of it, but

here's the problem with that It's something outside

of you that's making you feel good inside. Now,

when you do hiking and nature and different things,

you're absorbing that. Yes, it is something from

the outside, but you're absorbing that and that

is naturally making you feel good. And that's

different than taking mushrooms or a drug or

alcohol or something. That's a complete, because

that's a natural thing. So you're feeling that's

a completely different thing that you're feeling.

And this is... Human being you know what I mean?

This is not like it's different for everybody.

This is how a human being is This is how we operate

so anybody can do this now Like I said the the

drinking part is that's a completely the individual

needs to diagnose that for themselves through

therapy or whatever but my question for you is

when you went through the process of Getting

the divorce and that made you realize that you

wanted to height What happened in between that

time? What was that process that made you really

want to say? I know I really need to connect

with nature, and this is how I'm going to change

the drinking and all these other negative things

that you feel. You just mentioned a bunch of

them. What was that process like? So that was

basically a 10 -year period. So I kind of got

divorced, and then this whole epiphany, I should

say, didn't happen until 10 years later. it really

had taken its toll on me, body -wise. I looked

in the mirror and I looked tired. I looked old.

I looked beat. And so I can't say it was just

one thing. It was an accumulation of a zillion

things, of a decade of Can I say struggle? It

was struggle. It was mental struggle, but it

was also, it was struggle as a solo mother. It

was struggle with all sorts of things. And it

just compounded. The whole thing compounded.

And it wasn't, and it was just one day when I

basically said, I need to change. I really need

to change. I need to do something for myself.

And I had, I'd seen people hiking and I thought,

gosh, I should get back into that. Yes, I should

get back into that. And that was one of the things.

It was something that I clung onto from a long

time ago. And I knew that I was in my happy place

way back when I was in university. And it was

almost as if I was reaching out for anything

that would make me happy. And I knew that that

was it. I was probably in no fit state to go

on a hike. When I say no fit state, I was fine.

It wasn't that I was drunk or anything. I wasn't

fit. I wasn't particularly fit and healthy. But

I just want to say one thing more towards the

drinking. I probably was a functional drinker,

but I found just by organically by filling in

my life with other things, the need for alcohol

started to dissipate. Has it still gone? No,

not really. But what I'm trying to say is, is

that, and the other thing is, is I started to

sew as well. And I knew Friday nights was my

sewing night. I would just drink tea on a Friday

night. I wouldn't even consider having a glass

of wine because I was sewing. So I think what

I'm trying to say is that for the first time,

I actually filled my life with something else.

And then all of a sudden it was just like, oh,

no, it's Friday night and I haven't had a glass

of wine. And it was almost like a. And so when

I go on these multi -day hikes, I don't miss

alcohol at all because my life is filled with

something else. You know, but and that that that

is my story. I would hope that somebody else

would find that find that as well. Yeah. Did

I answer your question? Sorry, I just. Yeah,

you definitely did. That was wonderful. That

was very, very good. And the one thing also quickly.

that I was thinking of is that you, it seemed

like you just knew and you had a little bit of

warning signs and stuff, right? Things happen,

right? Thoughts or whatever. And you had these,

you said you got help. You saw the people that

were older, that were hiking, that you wanted

what they had. Was there any other, that you

didn't mention, any other type of professional

help? or any other signs or anything that you

had come to you, or we know that you had it in

your mind and heart and all these things, but

was there anything else, I know you mentioned

like two or three, but was there anything else

that you didn't mention that helped you to get

to where you are today to accomplish your ultimate

goal? No, and I did go and see the psychologist

and I just walked out of there going, well, my

thought was, you were no help at all. That's

how I felt. And that's probably a very unfair

thing to say. I was probably quite judgmental

back then. It was just, you know, like, oh, poor

me, pity party. I thought, right, OK, well, I

don't want to take drugs. I didn't want to take

any antidepressant drugs. And this is one thing

that I really didn't want to do. And so I just

thought, right, OK, I need to do something that

makes me happy. And that's what I did. It doesn't

have to be hiking, but I mean, the thing is,

is that when you're out in nature, nature meets

you exactly where you are, and there's no judgment.

You can look the way you, you can think whatever

you want to think. You can look however you want

to look. It doesn't matter. There's no judgment

whatsoever. It's just you and literally raw beauty

around you. And that can be very, very healing.

It really can. Yeah. Yeah, that's very good.

That's very true. So my last question is, how

do you feel today, right this second, based on

everything we spoke about, your story and everything

we just talked about in this podcast? How do

you feel right now? I feel great. I'm a little

bit homesick. I'm living up in the Northern Hemisphere

so that I can... hike the European trails. So

right now, I'm feeling a little bit homesick,

but I have just lived through a Scottish winter.

And a Scottish winter is very gray, very cold,

and very wet. So part of me is my kids have all

left university. And I am missing everybody.

I'm missing my homeland as well. So I think that's

about it. I've forgiven myself for not, for the

would -or -could -or. shoulda things, you know,

and I've forgiven myself for all of that. And

I think I just love my life now. I really do.

I hike for six to seven months of the year. I

turned 60 on the trail last year. I'm very healthy

and I'm fit and I've got my health, which is

so important to me. I've got my health and And

I feel really good within myself. I've met the

man of my dreams at my age. And yes. And so life

is good. Is it perfect? No, of course it's not.

But nobody's life is perfect. And you just have

to say, look for the goodness in your life. And

lots of people say to me, so how do you afford

to hike around the world and live all over the

world and travel all the world? Well, I actually

live very frugally. My partner and I, we enjoy

the simple things in life. And when you can strip

back and enjoy the simple things in life, just

things change. It just life looks a lot rosier.

Yes, that was very good. Thank you. And I really

appreciate that. And that was a very good way

to close and closing. I would also like to say

that. anybody could get through anything like

we just spoke about. I just went through a whole

thing at the beginning of this podcast. And you

are an example of that because what happened?

You went from a negative situation, the way that

you were feeling, whatever, until now. And now

your life not only is it good, it's completely

different. So you literally did a 180. and you

changed your whole entire life. Now, a listener,

somebody who's listening to this, doesn't necessarily

have to do that to make themselves feel happier.

They could take one small step forward in a different

direction. Did you ever hear of the giant step?

The first step is the giant step. So they could

just do get out of their comfort zone for one

second. or two seconds to take a step going in

a different direction and see how that feels.

And if that makes you feel good, then take another

step because people don't have to sit in an abusive

situation, a thing where they're upset all the

time and they just feel, have negative thoughts,

okay? They don't have to sit. in these types

of situations or scenarios. There's always a

way out and there's always a way that people

can feel better than what they are. And it could

just be that or it could be a big thing. They

could be in an abusive situation. I mean, there's

a lot of really big things, but that's everybody

has their own story. So that's up to the individual

to know. So that was good. And also, like I had

said, drinking is very, very complicated. So

we told the story here, but I'm asking the listener

just to get professional help and get a professional

diagnosis if you feel that you're drinking because

you told your story, like I said, and it's good

for you, but that's not for every drinker. That's

all that I want to say about that because that's

just... A fact, you know, that's just how it

is because it's an addiction. That's why I said

that it's complicated. So as we close this conversation

is a reminder that progress really comes from

one big decision, but from the internal choices

we repeat. If something from today's discussion

connected with you, take a moment to notice how

those internal choices showed up in your own

life. This has been the internal shift show.

Thank you for listening and thank you, Belinda,

for being on the show. I really appreciate it.

Thank you, Debbie.