Al Isaacs: Identity, Adoption, and the Shift That Changed Everything

Welcome to the Internal Shift Show. I'm Debbie

Longo, Transformational Coach. This show explores

how the way we think, decide, and respond internally

influences where we end up over time. Today's

conversation draws on real experience and expertise

to look at how small internal shifts can change

direction, momentum, and outcomes. I'm joined

today by a very special guest, Al Isaacs. Good

afternoon, Al. Welcome to the show. Thank you,

Debbie. Appreciate it. Thank you for being here.

I'm going to ask you today to tell a little bit

of your story and point out a situation or scenario

or traumatic experience or something where you

made a major life change. So you were in a negative

situation, you went through a process, and now

the end result should always be positive. Sure.

And I do this show for a few different reasons.

And one reason is because everybody has their

own individual story, but there are parts to

people's stories that other people can relate

to. Maybe somebody's stuck in a situation and

they don't know how to get out of it. So this

will give a little sense and maybe a little motivation

or a little education that this person's been

through this And they got out of it. They went

through this process. They got out of it this

way. And I could do that, too. Or maybe they're

in a situation and they think that it's normal.

It could be anything. It could be an actual situation

or could just be like a negative thinking or

something like that, whatever the individual

is going through. If I don't believe that anything

negative should stay there. I think that anything

that I'm thinking that's negative, whether, like

I said, it's an action or whatever, can always

be turned around into a positive. And what's

going to happen then, that's going to make my

life a lot better than what it is now. But that's

up to the individual's choice. So if you could

do that for me, I would appreciate it. Thank

you. Absolutely, Deb. So to give you a little

bit of context, I'm in my 50s. I was a professional

comedian. an improvisational comedy instructor

in Long Island, New York, and a husband, father

of one. That started to change as it did for

a lot of folks with COVID. I stopped being a

comedian. Obviously all the clubs closed down,

all the theaters closed down, had to cancel all

shows, couldn't teach my classes. And that was

sort of the beginning of my issue. I mentioned

I'm an only child. My parents both became ill.

during the course of COVID, both were diagnosed

with dementia. My father fell and injured his

shoulder, and my mom was diagnosed with cancer

for probably the fifth time. So things weren't

looking so great. It was kind of a bleak time

for me. I don't drink, don't smoke, don't have

a whole lot of ices, but comedy was kind of my

therapy. Comedy was my way of working through

things. If I was feeling bad, getting up on stage

and working through it and making some folks

happy for half an hour made me feel better. So

that all being said, I didn't have that. And,

uh, one day I was at work designing websites

and I got a call from my mom's oncologist. Apparently

the oncologist had been trying to reach my mom

and talk about family medical history. My parents

are Jewish cancer prevalent in the Ashkenazi

Jewish lineup of people. And, uh, my mom kept

hanging up on the oncologist, wouldn't speak

with her. So I told the oncologist, well, give

a call back. I had a living nurse. living with

my parents, taking care of them 24 seven. Let's

get the nurse on the phone and maybe she can

be an intermediary for you. And she tried that.

And maybe five, 10 minutes later, she called

back, said, sorry, your mom intercepted the call,

hung up on me again. I don't know what to do.

I said, well, if you're looking for family history,

let me see if I can help you out. I'll be happy

to give you my family medical history, whatever

I know. And the oncologist said to me, well,

I don't need your family medical history. I knew

your mom and dad's since after all. you were

adopted and I didn't know that that kind of hit

me out of the blue. And quite honestly, my mom

with a dementia had been telling doctors pretty

wild stories for a few months. She would tell

one doctor she had surgeries that she never had.

She'd tell another doctor that the surgery she

did have, she never had symptoms. She would tell

a nurse about, she would tell the same nurse

the following visit that my dad was the one with

those symptoms. So it was a random thing and

kind of I laughed it off that this was just another

out of the blue, crazy thing my mom was telling

a doctor. And I went home and I messaged an aunt

with a dementia. If he had spoken to my mom for

five minutes, you would never know anything was

wrong. She just had her act down clean. But if

you spoke to her for half an hour, if you spoke

to her a couple of times in a row, a few days

in a row, you'd realize something was going on.

So for a lot of my family during COVID, especially

when they weren't seeing her in person, no one

thought anything was wrong. So me contacting

my aunt wasn't so much about the story. It was

just to say, oh, here's another instance of,

of mom's dementia. So I told my aunt what the

doctor had told me and there was radio silence

for probably a day and a half. And then I got

a message back saying, I always wanted to tell

you and she confirmed that I was indeed adopted.

Obviously it changed my life. I don't think at

the time I realized just how much because I was

still dealing with my identity as a comedian

being gone, my identity as a teacher being gone,

my parents being sick. At that point, almost

simultaneously, my dad was going into hospice.

So processing any of this in the moment, it kind

of just wasn't happening. But obviously, this

was a game changer for me. Yeah. Thank you for

that. I could imagine. I don't I don't know because

I've never had that experience, but I'm definitely

comprehending what you're saying. It just sounds

really unbelievable. So before your mother was

diagnosed with dementia. Yeah. And then in between

that time, like whatever happened before that.

like a few years before that or something. And

then she was diagnosed with dementia and then

you were told that you were adopted. So what

was the process between when you were diagnosed

with dementia and you found out that you were

adopted? I don't know how many, you know, how

much time that was in between that, but what

was that process like? What was your feeling

and thinking and different things like that?

Yeah, it was tough being an only child. I really

didn't have anyone else to lean on in taking

care of my parents. I was kind of doing the best

that I could. And a lot of times my hand was

forced where I was really trying to do my due

diligence and really trying to do my homework

and find the best help and the best. And it seemed

like before I ever felt I was ready, I had to

do something. I had to bring in a nurse. I had

to get my dad into a rehab center for his shoulder.

All these things that I thought I had the time

to do it. I'll say I didn't have that luxury

of time. And I was kind of flying by the seat

of my pants to get everything done. I was fortunate

in that, um, if you ever watched the show, everybody

loves Raymond. I used to work with Ray Romano,

uh, back in the day. And I, I kind of have his,

his fictional life is my real life. I bought

the house across the street from my parents.

So in a lot of ways, it made things a little

bit easier that I could get over there and take

care of them and keep an eye on them and watch

out. But it's just kind of funny the way the

universe worked, that that was the case, having

them that close to me for pretty much my whole

life. If the question is, did I ever suspect

that I was adopted? I never had any hint. It

was from my earliest memories, my parents, especially

my mom, We're always very big on telling me that,

Oh, you got your eyes from your grandfather.

Oh, you got your height from this one. Oh, your

musical ability or your entertaining you get

from this one. Mind you, every relative they

mentioned had passed on. So there is no way for

me to do any homework and find out, but they

were very big into, you know, so when everyone

asks me, was there ever a clue or any hint? I

never had any thought, any idea. One of the big

questions that folks ask me, since I found out

and put my dad into hospice within days, I never

told him that I knew. He passed away about three

weeks after I found out. And if you hid it from

me for 52 years, you had your reasons. I never

broached the subject with him. I would just like

to make a point now. I don't know if this has

anything to do with you or not. It was just something

that I was thinking of when we were talking,

and I hope it doesn't brush you the wrong way

or anything. No, no, no, no. The thing is that

I've for the amount of time that I've been in

this business and helping people, this is, believe

it or not, this does come up where either somebody

was adopted or they're an orphan. or they have

like a stepparent or something like that. If

I say and I teach this only because it makes

it like not better, but like easier just to live

basically where my mindset is different now.

If I say somebody's my father, it doesn't necessarily

have to mean that that is my biological father.

So did you ever hear of somebody say, oh, he

wasn't my father, but he was like a father figure

to me? So there are points in, and again, I've

dealt with this before, there are points in people's

lives where they have a parent. or they know

something, or they don't know something, and

then that knowledge or that parent, whether physical

or mental, goes away, just disappears. Either

maybe like somebody gets a divorce, like a parent

gets a divorce and then they remarry. There's

all different situations. And like your case...

Like I said, where you were, I don't want to

change your story around. That's why I'm giving

different examples here. The point I'm trying

to make is that when somebody is a parent or

like a brother or sisters that comes into a family

or somebody finds out something, right? That

they didn't know their whole childhood or somebody

comes into a family. because of a change, and

now the family's completely different. The idea

is to know and to understand that now that person

is my parents. Now those people are my sister

because those are the people either that raised

me or influenced me in my life, whether they

are biological or not. A lot of times people

will go by that, strictly by that, and say, well,

this person's not my parent because They weren't

my parents from birth. That's not my mother because

my mother didn't have me. Different things where

they solely think that that has to do with when

they were born. Who was there? You know what

I mean? Like the minute they were born, which

obviously you're not even gonna know that, but

it doesn't matter because I could think about

that and say because they weren't my parents

or they weren't there or... Like I said, I have

somebody that came into my life at a later date,

maybe from a divorce, that that person wasn't

there. You know what I mean? Like when I was

born or like my whole life. So therefore that

person doesn't count. But if that is, like I

said, whatever family member, I'm just using

family member as an example. There's tons of

examples of this. This is what we're talking

about here, right? The family. But if somebody

is now in my life, or I recognize something,

then I want to consider that as that is my sibling

now, or those are my parents now, regardless

of... what happened in the past, whether they

were there at birth or whatever they were there

when I was growing up or not there, because that's

what happened in the past. So that was my path

then. But now I have a different path because

now these people are coming in my life or I'm

finding out something that I didn't know. So

that changes my path. So this is my question

to you. You ready? Sure. What was your process

and thinking? after you found out that you were

adopted. You said a few things, but what was

the feeling? The feeling and the thinking and

from then till now, or from then till when you

started to really embrace it and get used to

it and different things like that. What was that

about? There were a few different steps to that.

The first one that I'll kind of tackle. was finding

out that my whole family knew, that everyone

in my family except me knew. That was tricky.

And it was tricky not because I was never angry

at anybody. And I think finding out when you're

52 versus when you're 18, 20, it's a different

thing. What was tricky was more in dealing with

my family that knew and maybe some of them felt

guilty about not telling me and they were afraid

I was going to be hurt and they were afraid I

was going to be angry. And I wasn't, I totally

got it. I knew the kind of folks that my parents

were and they were being loyal to them. They

were asked not to tell me. So they didn't tell

me. And afterwards they were asking me, please

understand. This wasn't, it wasn't my place.

They didn't want me to tell that I was fine with

that. And I understood that. And in fact, to

take that one step further, over the years, there

had been different family friends and family

members that all of a sudden I stopped hearing

from. And I never put two and two together either.

It was just kind of written off. There was some

offhanded excuse, but that was just kind of it.

And I came to find out that if you wanted to

be cut out of my life, if you want to be cut

out of my family's life, all you had to say to

my parents was, I think you should tell them.

And it was those folks. that my parents, I guess,

thought of as a threat, that they were going

to slip, that they were gonna tell me, and they

just took them out of the equation. That's kind

of a sad thing, looking back at some people that

I was pretty close with, but I didn't understand.

So that was part of it. The other big part of

it, which I think you'll appreciate, as an improv

comedy teacher, I taught improvisational comedy

to comedians, to writers, to actors. to lawyers,

to salespeople, to anybody who wanted to take

the class. I would teach them to try and be more

creative, to have more self -esteem. And one

of the things we always talked about was imposter

syndrome and just the idea that you're going

to hear this voice in the back of your head saying,

you're not good enough. You're not funny enough.

Someone's better than you. And how to deal with

that, you know, and in comedy and in performing

for 30 plus years, I learned how to deal with

that. What I was not expecting was that that

very same voice found a new way to get to me,

which was after I found out and I thought I was

okay with the whole idea of being adopted and

this new reality of mine, just occasionally out

of nowhere, the thought pop in my head. You don't

know your parents' names. You don't know where

you came from. The only blood relative that you

know of is your son who lives under the same

roof as you. And that was concerning. That was

that was not easy to live with. So that kind

of drove me to seek out information and find

out where I came from. And that got increasingly

more difficult. I thank God that I had my wife

and son to kind of keep me going through the

process, because there were a lot of times that

I was ready to go. OK, it is what it is. And

we'll just. start over from here, start from

scratch. But I was really, really lucky in that

case. Interesting. Well, first of all, did it

work out for you as far as you finding your parents?

And not only what was that process like, but

sometimes if you get the results, you don't like

it. Or if you don't get the results, you don't

like it. I'll give you a spoiler alert. Everything

turned out amazing. Everything. turned out as

best. And sometimes I don't like to lead with

that only because I know there's a lot of folks

going through this. I got a lot of help online

through different support groups of people who

found out later in life like I did. And there

were a lot of people who went through a lot worse

when it comes to their identity being shattered.

I have family and friends who, St. Patrick's

Day is like Christmas 2 .0. They are so Irish.

I mean, shamrocks and corned beef and cabbage

all the live long day. If they were to find out

they weren't Irish, their heads would explode.

It would have been a horrible, horrible thing.

I didn't have that. As far as I knew growing

up, I was 75 % Russian, 25 % English, three grandparents

from Russia, one from England. And that's as

far as I knew, but it wasn't like we were celebrating

Russian. holidays and had a Russian flag. And

so to find out, and let me also say that for

years I've been married for 30 years. My wife's

been going, you're Scottish. Look at you. Come

on. And I just thought, well, she's a big fan

of Outlander. Let her believe what she wants

to believe. Turns out I am Scottish. It turns

out I'm Scottish and Irish and just a little

bit of English. So, but, but that, that part

of my identity, this had nothing to do with the

comedy part, the performing part that So COVID

beat me up a lot more than this did when it comes

to that stuff. But yeah, I got so lucky and I'm

trying to help out folks who went through this

as well. And I don't want to get everyone's hope

up that it's going to turn out as well. Cause

I read so many folks who it, like you're saying,

they get an answer, but it's not the one they

wanted or they come so close and someone, cause

when I first started out from ancestry .com,

Immediately I found an aunt and after a couple

of days her daughter emailed me to say that she

didn't want to connect. And that was like right

out of the gate. I'm going OK, you know that

little voice in my head going up. See the shoes

going to drop. That's it. But I got so lucky

and in saying that it always bothers me like

at the Oscars when someone gets up there and

they go see dreams do come true like no your

dream came true. There's four people still sitting

down who had that exact same dream. It didn't

come true for them. So, but yeah, for me, I found

a sister, which you were just talking about labels.

She's actually a half sister, but she's my sister.

It's like, you don't have one eighth of pizza

for dinner. You have pizza. So she is my sister

and I love her to death. And I found my mom.

And just to give you an idea of how easy it was

to find my mom. Her actual name is Mary Smith.

So she has the most common name on the planet.

So with a name and a picture from a yearbook

from a school that closed 28 years ago, I found

her. I had me a hobby over the years in tracking

people down. And some folks said to me that that

was rather than dealing with stuff emotionally

and maybe processing things. grieving for my

parents and other things that I was more focused

on doing this. That's probably true. It was something

of an obsession, but it paid off because now

I have an amazing sister in my life and an amazing

mom who once I found her and heard her story,

my life made so much sense. Everything I've gone

through completely made sense. Yeah. So that's

why I always stress the process of the podcast

is from negative to positive or in chronological

order, only because this is what we're trying

to accomplish, because we're really trying to

focus on the process. That's why I'm asking you

questions about that, because that's what the

listener wants to know. The listener doesn't

understand. That's the whole purpose of the whole

podcast. That's why we're sitting here talking

about it and different things. But here's the

thing. What happens to me, and again, this is

my teachings, an individual can agree, they don't

have to agree, the listener can turn the podcast

off or leave it on, that's up to them. Whatever

is meant to happen. happens. So if I bang my

head for years and years going on the Internet

and researching and trying to contact people

and stuff and it doesn't work out, then that

is just the way that it's supposed to be. But

on the other hand, if it works out, that's great.

But then I have to think and we'll go through

this example, obviously, then I'll have to think

that If the person wants to meet me, let's say,

for example, then I have to think, is it really

meant for me to meet this person rather than

jumping and saying, oh, this person wants to

meet me, I'm going to go meet them. But the thing

with that is, do I like my life the way it is

now? Am I OK with meeting them or not? And sometimes

that's the reason why things are meant to happen

in the way that they happen. But. If I force

something and I try to control the situation

and I'd say I want to meet them and then I'm

not sure. And I'm all over the map with my thinking

and my decision making and stuff. A lot of times,

most of the time, that type of stuff is not going

to work out. And this is all stuff that I teach.

And this is all like this is a thing where you

have to really be trained for this in order.

This is like a total like change your mindset

completely kind of thing. Right now, you it seems

you kind of understand that because, like you

said, when the daughter emailed you, you are

OK with that. But there are a lot of people that

are not because this is common. I mean, that's

why they have. Ancestry .com, you know what I

mean? And they're making millions of dollars

off of this because there are so many people

that have the same situation that you have. That's

the reason why they have it. If they weren't

making money on it, then it wouldn't exist. That's

really the bottom line. And you need the people

in that situation. So you know that there are

tons of people that are like, so this is a very,

very common thing. Whereas maybe when you were

growing up or you found out, you might have not

thought, right, that it was that common. But

how long have these internet, it's not only one,

there's multiple things where you could look

up your ancestors and stuff. There are multiple

websites like that, right? How long have they

been in existence? Right. Well, I don't think

that long, you know, they weren't in it. They

haven't. That's what I'm saying. They haven't

been in it. So all of a sudden now people are

just curious and they want to know. No, they

see that this is really the truth. And, you know,

this is people really. There's a lot of people

like this. Yes. That's what I'm trying to say.

So that's why this is a good example. And I need

to know that what is going to happen is just

meant to happen. Well, you know, and it's funny

because there's no such thing as a closed adoption

anymore. It's just because of 23andMe. And there

are so many people getting these kits as gifts,

almost as a goof. Like my wife wanted to do it

years ago. I don't know what would have happened

had I done it. But my wife wanted to do it because

a cousin did it. and found out that they were

related to some princess centuries ago. That

was cool. So almost this gimmicky kind of thing.

And people do it and find out a surprise that

they were not expecting. But exactly what you

are saying is exactly right about things happening.

I'm a perfect example. Everything happened. It

didn't happen according to my schedule. When

that first aunt didn't want to connect with me,

I was angry. And my brain is going, you had to

know I was out there. So when you did ancestry,

you had to think there was a chance that this

guy is going to reach out. But we're good. That's

fine. But everything happened because it didn't

happen on my schedule. It happened when it was

supposed to happen. Had I found out I was adopted

20 years ago, like you're saying, there's no

ancestry. There's no DNA test. The Internet since

infancy, I never would have found anybody. Had

I found out I was adopted two years later, some

of the folks who gave me the very first clues

that I needed to start have since passed away.

So there was this very finite window for me to

find this. So it happened exactly how and when

it was supposed to. I don't remember who said,

you know, life doesn't make sense when you're

living it forward, but when you look back, you

see people, things were put in place exactly

when they were supposed to, how they were. There

were so many people who helped me along this

journey to find out the truth, to find my biological

family, that whatever force in the universe you

believe in, you know, something was helping me

out. There's no question about it. And I'm eternally

grateful. Yeah, 100 percent agreed. And a lot

of times the past doesn't matter, but sometimes

it helps to make decisions of what I'm going

to do in the present. That's really the thing.

But I don't like to. I mean, we're talking about,

you know, the story here and stuff. But I like

to focus on what's happening today. And the last

question, because we have to close in a little

while. My last question is that. How do you feel

today, right now, right this second, based on

this whole podcast and your story and everything

we just talked about? I'm blessed. Five years

ago, I couldn't have foreseen where I would be

today. The most important things in my life were

the same before, during and after this, which

is my wife and son. Nothing has changed there.

But the fact that I have this amazing sister

in my life who, by the way, she was looking for

me for 20 years when I found her. I find her

and not that I find her, but she had a baby a

couple of months afterwards. So I have a beautiful

niece as well. And I have this amazing mom who,

you know, it's like back in my life after, you

know, 52 years and we have this great relationship.

And like you said, there were so many times this

could have gone sideways and it's, it's a different

thing finding out when you're in your fifties.

It's a different thing for me to approach someone

and say, you know, I think I'm the child you

gave up because I'm not coming to you from a

place of I need something from you. I want something

from you. Why did you abandon me? I have my own

life. And in fact, you're kind of getting a package

deal because now you're getting your son, you're

getting a daughter -in -law and a grandson and

all this package. And my biggest concern, like

you were saying before about wanting to meet

someone and maybe forcing the issue. That was

my biggest fear. in approaching someone after

all the time that I didn't want to ruin their

life. Now, I didn't know if she had another three

kids or a husband who had no idea I was out there.

You know, it turns out I was her only child.

It turns out that she told her husband and he's

an amazing guy and they live in England. And,

you know, and we have this great, great relationship

today. So, you know, how do I feel right now?

Amazing. And anyone who is going through this,

I can tell them you're not alone. There are so

many people going through it and there are so

many people who are here to help. So, yeah, it's

great. Very, very good. And 100 percent agreed.

I love this. I thought it was fantastic. And

that's a great way to close. And then in closing

also, I would like to say that if a person is

in this situation, like we just spoke about,

you know, there's always a positive way out.

But if anybody. is in any situation at all, they

don't have to sit in the negative. They can turn

that situation, whether it's they're upset or

even a mindset or whatever, they could turn that

into a positive. And when that happens, their

lives will get so much better than what it is

now. They don't have to accept life the way that

it is now. And we don't have to put limitations

on ourselves. We can open the door and do something

that's a little uncomfortable, something that

we don't like to do, and just take a first step

forward, take a baby step, and let's see what

happens. Just see what happens after that and

see if you like that. the way that you feel and

then take another step. Different things like

that. So that was good. As we close, this conversation

is a reminder that progress really comes from

one big decision, but from the internal choices

we repeat. If something from today's discussion

connected with you, take a moment to notice how

those internal choices showed up in your own

life. This has been the Internal Shift Show.

Thank you for listening and thank you, Al, for

being on the show. I appreciate it. Thank you

so much, Debbie.