Brenda Bridges: Divorce, Victim Mentality, and Rebuilding Life Through Small Internal Shifts

Welcome to the internal shift show. I'm Debbie

Longo, transformational coach. This show explores

how the way we think, decide and respond internally

influences where we end up over time. Today's

conversation draws on real experience and expertise

to look at how small internal shifts can change

direction, momentum and outcomes. I'm joined

today by a special guest, Brenda Bridges. Good

afternoon, Brenda. Welcome to the show. Hi, Debbie,

it's really good to be here with you. Thank you

very much for being here. I appreciate that.

Today, I'm going to ask you to tell your story

and point out a life situation, a change. a traumatic

experience, something where you went to a negative,

you were in a negative and you went through a

process and then the end result should always

be positive. Now, I do the show for a few different

reasons. And one main reason is because everybody

has their own individual story. But there are

stories that people can relate to in other people's

stories. And maybe somebody is stuck. Maybe somebody

doesn't know how to get out of a certain situation.

Maybe somebody just thinks that this is the situation

they're in, the scenario they're in, and this

is just how it's going to be. And a lot of times

when we do this, this prevents us from moving

forward. Because when I get out of a negative

situation, then I'm going into a positive. And

then I want to just continue with positive experiences.

and positive thoughts. But then once I have a

negative thought or something negative happens,

whether it's physical or mental, whatever it

is, then I'm going back into that negativity.

And I don't want to do that. So that's one of

the reasons. Another reason why I have this is

for education and just to let people know that

they don't have to sit. in any negative space

that they're in at all. And I have these guests

that say all different things. Their stories

are all different, like I like I was saying.

And now there's somebody is the listener is going

to listen to one of these podcasts. And that's

going to be them, exactly them. And they're going

to know that there is a light at the end of the

tunnel. And they're going to know that they can

get through this also. So if you would do that

for me, I would appreciate it. Thank you. I will

do my best and you jump in and redirect me anywhere

it makes sense. When I think of my tumultuous

or traumatic experience, it really was based

on divorce like so many others. I was in that

space you referred to where I was kind of complacent.

Like I knew I didn't have a good marriage and

I did have a good life. So. was not in a space

where I thought I needed to make change. And

my husband did make that change. He came home

one morning and had got his big old Vente Starbucks

and leaned against the kitchen counter and pretty

much told me that our 26 year marriage was over,

that he was out, he wasn't gonna do therapy,

it didn't work and so on. And that was the tipping

point that launched me into the divorce process.

And in that, I wish I could say that was my positive

experience and I was reborn and I did it all

right, but I did not. I made a lot of mistakes.

I succumbed to what you were talking about where

you're in negative and only see negative, then

it's hard to get out of the negative. And then

when my divorce was done and it was very expensive,

it was very controversial and adversarial. And

it took a long time. When it was done, I looked

back and went, how did that happen? Why couldn't

it be better? What can I do to change this for

other people? So my evolution was really more

after what I went through and in retrospect.

And now I work in the divorce field, and I'm

a mediator, a divorce coach, and a divorce financial

analyst. So all the things that aren't the legal

part of divorce. And I am trying my best to be

the person I wish I had when I was going through

divorce so that they've got a thought partner

to think about what are the positives? What does

the future hold? How am I going to look forward

instead of back? All those things that you're

working to bring to people so that they can see,

there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There

is a flip side to everything. how when you're

going through this really can be devastating

emotional experience, like fun fact, which isn't

so fun, divorce is proven by research to be the

most traumatic, the second most, excuse me, traumatic

event people go through in their lives. I would

argue, and the first is loss of a spouse to death.

I would argue it's very similar. When you lose

a spouse to death, people tend to like swarm

in and support you. Doesn't mean it's less traumatic.

It's just that there's a support structure built

in. When you're in the divorce process, oftentimes

people aren't there to support you. They don't

know what to say to you. They don't know how

to treat you. You're losing your marriage, but

you're also losing your connections, your place

in the world, your community. So there's a whole

lot of grief built around that, that if we are

able to address more directly and support better,

and help the people going through that process

see that, as I did in retrospect, I got used

to or complacent about a lot of things in life

that beyond weren't ideal, that were bad or abusive

and whatnot. And once I started turning that

around to become more goal -oriented and look

forward and be more future -focused, life got

a lot better, for sure. But changing that outlook

gave me a better grounding to deal with all those

negative things. So it's one, like I'll tell

a story of a book and in my book I tell the story

about going to a party when it was a bunch of

women who either were divorced already or were

going through divorce. And I was asked by a friend

who was a couple months ahead of me in the divorce

process. And when I went, I thought, oh, this

is going to be great. I will have a support system.

I'm losing all of my couple friends and all the

things I just mentioned, like my life was shifting.

So I'll go and I'll meet new friends and I will

have this in common. I went to that party. It

was shocking because so many of the people were

still in their story about how awful life was,

how bad divorce was, how horrible their husbands

were and so on and so on. And it was Like, if

there's one tipping point for me, that was it.

Where I went, oh, I don't want to be this in

eight years. Where I'm still reliving the bad

things in my marriage. Like, it was a time for

me to refocus and look at the marriage as some

really good things came out of it. First of all,

of course, my children who were amazing. But

it wasn't all bad. It ended up not as I planned.

But being in that room with all of these women

who couldn't get out of that story was the impetus

for me to start saying, okay, I'm headed down

this path where I am thinking, and this bad thing

happened, and this bad thing happened, and then

he did this, and this is awful, and I am the

victim. I had to take a hold of this and figure

out how to switch my perspective. So instead

of being the victim, I can take those things

that happened that made me feel that way and

try to look for what's the positive message here?

What is the learning here? I'm a believer in

whatever the lesson is that keeps presenting

yourself to you until you learn it. So if I wasn't

trying to keep my eyes open to what those lessons

were and then learn them and use it to move forward

with life, I would probably be the person at

that party now who was 10 years post -divorce

still talking about what an awful thing happened

to me and what a horrible person he was and all

the things. Instead of saying that was a really

important chapter in my life. Now my biggest

passion is helping people going through that

same thing, not end up without hope, without

direction, without information, and instead to

be able to refocus so they're forward -looking,

and that the decisions they're making are from

a place of empowerment, not victim -ness, that

they have the information they need to make good

decisions instead of just feeling, and in divorce,

I find this a lot. They feel like, I don't know

what I'm doing. I've never done this before.

Or even if they have, it was entirely different.

It's really high stakes. I am just going to turn

over all my decisions to someone who knows better

than I. And I think, at least for my clients,

what they really need is to say, you know yourself

and your life and what's important to you better

than anybody else. But we need to get you to

a place where you're confident in those decisions,

where you have the information you need to make

them. where you see hope and forward movement

instead of just looking back like, how could

this have all happened to me? Yeah, thank you

for that. So when you were going through your

process of when he told you that he wanted a

divorce and everything, And then you all the

way fast forward. I don't know how many years

this is. And then you wrote the book. So what

did that process? What was your feelings and

your thinking? How did you go that? How did you

process that whole that whole time? That whole?

Yeah, good question. In my case, a lot of it

was retrospect, finding that I was looking at

things and going, wow, I wish I handled that

differently. and then giving thought to, okay,

if I could have a do -over, which I couldn't,

how would I handle it? What support would I have

needed in order to do it differently? And how

do we shape that? What does that look like? So

my process was more retrospective, and then that

allowed me to come up with a process to help

other people kind of put structure to it instead

of just feeling like it was this runaway train

that they were caught up in and going along with.

And really, I can summarize it. I call it, it's

three Ps. The first one is purpose. The second

one is process. And the third one is people.

And this is specific to divorce, but I guess

you could apply it to anything you're challenged

with. And what usually happens is first people

who are going through divorce, who are faced

with it, jump in and hire someone. They hire

an attorney. And then often, and I get these

calls all the time, they find out that that attorney

is not a match for them or maybe they didn't

need an attorney. Then they're in this big litigative

process that's going to cost them tens of thousands

of dollars when there really wasn't that much

they were disagreeing on in the first place.

So if we flip it again for divorce, but apply

to life, first figure out your purpose. What's

your goal? Future cast. What do you want your

life to look like? Because if you don't have

a goal, you're very unlikely to hit it. So I

think the most important thing in any process

is knowing where you want to go. Because if you

know, you're much more likely to get there, which

sounds so simplistic. But how many days do we

go through not thinking about anything but getting

through the day kind of operating on autopilot?

Yeah, so that was good. So the I was thinking

of a few things, you know, when you were speaking

about your story and stuff and. Any type of loss

that I go through, whether it's a divorce or

a death, sometimes what that does is that kind

of closes a chapter in my life. And what that

does is it enables me to go on a completely different

path. Like in your situation, you wrote a book

and all these other things that you're explaining.

That's why I'm asking about the process and stuff.

And then you might not have done this. If you

didn't get the divorce, you would have been on

a different path. So a lot of people think that,

oh, I live, I have one path and then I die. I

don't really believe that because human beings

have the ability to make decisions for themselves.

Nobody can force anybody to do anything. So if

I'm on a path and I want to change it, Maybe

I got a somebody says something to me right about

let's say being in a relationship or something

and then I say no and then. Now I'm on a different

path. And then let's say like a month later,

I say, yes, now that takes me on a different

path. So it's based on the the the choices that

we make a lot of times, right, are based on not

only what path we go on, but that that's going

to now make a different process. And when I go

through all these different processes, you could

call that it's just part of life. That's just

the way life is. But when I go through this,

for me, depends if it's negative or positive,

because I always want to stay in the positive.

So if I'm going one positive event after another,

one positive thought after another, that takes

me to the positive. And guess what happens then?

I just might be close to now fulfilling my goals

and dreams. I might be making more money. I might

be happier. I might have a nice house. I might

have a nice family. or internally, I'm just a

lot better than I was. And we're talking about

this situation. This is how we do it in this

podcast. Tell your story, talk about the situation,

which is how all of my episodes are, because

that's really what the show is about. But when

I do that, we're not explaining about the thing.

We're talking about that this process has taken

me on this path. So that's why I designed it

basically that way. And it flows because it's

a person's story. It's easy to really go to.

But to me, it's showing that there are all different

paths that we could go on, but that is my own

individual choice. What I want to do. I wake

up every day. I make choices. Do I want to drink

coffee? Do I want to drink tea? Do I want to

eat cereal? Do I want to have eggs? These are

the choices that I make. Depends on how my stomach

feels that day. So this is the thing. So now

whatever I choose is my own responsibility. So

now I will either suffer the consequences or

reap the rewards. And that's the most important

thing for me. And that's why it's no such thing

as a negative circumstance. There's no such thing

as a negative event because that can always be

made. It turned into a positive. I could put

my foot down right this second. Forget about

the past. I could say right now I'm going to

change. I'm going to be a different person right

now. I don't accept the way that I am. And now

I'm going to do something that's not going to

change the past. We can't change the past. We

can't rewrite it. We can't. It's done. But every

single choice. can shift the future. And they

don't have to be big ones. It might be what's

for breakfast. It might be what you're going

to do that day. But everything is a choice. And

if you make a choice and it turns out to be negative

in a way, or it doesn't turn out how you planned,

there's learning there. And then you can say,

OK, next time I make a different choice. But

it's a continuum. I think one thing I find with

folks, and I find it with myself too, We treat

these choices like they're life ending, overwhelming,

huge. I got to figure it all out. I am here and

I got to figure out at the end of my life, where

do I want to be? And we can't, but we can figure

out like today, what choice do I want to make?

And that's steering us in the direction. If we,

the universal we, stop making everything so overwhelming

and just look at what is my small next best step.

It makes it so much easier and so much more palatable

than like in in my professional area. Do I end

my marriage after decades and move on with a

whole new life? That's a big choice. Maybe you

make it a little bite sized pieces and maybe

it's I'm going to spend a little time thinking

about what my day would look like if it was only

me. or I'm going to look at finances or learn

about the finances if you're not the one in your

relationship who's doing them. So I have a better

understanding of what life might be like if I'm

on my own. Or if you don't get divorced and you

stay in your relationship, you might have a better

understanding and more control and then more

solace or comfort. if you have better understanding,

but they can be little steps. They all don't

have to be, I have to change the world, or I

have to burn it all down today. It can just be,

if I'm not 100 % content where I am in this minute,

what might adjust that a little bit and make

me happier? Maybe it's just taking a walk outside

in the sun, I don't know, or having the eggs

for breakfast. But I think it all points to,

and your message overall for me points to, how

are we more conscious? and mindful about what

we're doing, because that little mindset shift

is going to make us all happier. If instead of

going through the motions and being on autopilot

or doing things because we should, because someone

else told us we should, if we're thinking about

is it eggs or is it cereal or maybe it's pancakes

today, who knows? I don't know. I start with

the small decision. That's why I talk about these

little things because. That's how I'm going to

be able to recognize that if I change a small

decision or go on a different path for the day,

it sounds a little weird. I know a lot of people

probably don't think of it that way. But then

I think if I did this instead of this, where

would I be? I would be in a different place at

the end of the day. And if we don't do it differently,

we never know. That's the whole thing. So as

how do you feel today? Write this second right

now based on your story, everything we just talked

about in this whole podcast. How do you feel?

I feel this is maybe a weird word to use reinforced.

Like I find that talking about the importance

of just making a small shift instead of the full

life changing weight of the world shifts. It

reminds me that that's most important. And that's

where. it's gonna add up to the most movement

and that's where i'm most likely to be living

the life i wanna live so i feel maybe reassured

is a better word yeah very very good i really

like it yeah that was very good so that was a

good way to close so in closing i would also

like to say that anybody could get through anything

that they want It just, I have to be able to

create the willingness or even just the awareness

that this is not a good situation I'm in. This

is not a good scenario and I need to do something

or just think about the fact that I don't want

to be here. I don't want to be in this space.

I don't want to be in this way, in this form

of thinking. And then I am able to help the person.

And the person's able to help themselves, really.

I'm a transformational coach, but I'm not selling

myself. And this is not what this is. But the

point is that if the person's not aware and the

person's not willing, then the individual's not

going to be able to get help. Whether it's a

coach or a therapist or anything, it doesn't

really matter. This is the thing. So there is

hope for anybody. That's really the message that

I wanted to say. So that was good. As we close

this conversation, as a reminder, that progress

really comes from one big decision, but from

the internal choices we repeat. If something

from today's discussion connected with you, take

a moment to notice how those internal choices

showed up in your own life. This has been the

Internal Shift Show. Thank you for listening

and thank you, Brenda, for being on the show.

I appreciate it. Thank you for having me.