Cheryl Fimbel: Identity Loss, Retirement, and Finding Purpose Again

Welcome to the Internal Shift Show. I'm Debbie

Longo, Transformational Coach. This show explores

how the way we think, decide, and respond internally

influences where we end up over time. Today's

conversation draws on real experience and expertise

to look at how small internal shifts can change

direction, momentum, and outcomes. I'm joined

today by a very special guest, Cheryl Fimble.

Good afternoon, Cheryl. Welcome to the show.

Good afternoon. Thank you. Thank you for being

here. So I'm going to ask you to tell your story

today and point out in your story a life change

or a traumatic situation or something where you

went through a process and you came out the other

side and the end result should always be positive.

And I do this show for a few different reasons.

And one reason is because everybody has their

own individual story, but there are parts to

people's stories that other people can relate

to. Maybe somebody stuck in a situation where

they can't get out of it. Maybe they don't know

how. Maybe they just think that it's normal and

they're just going to be like this for the rest

of their lives. But the point is that there's

no such thing as a negative situation because

everything can be turned into a positive as long

as I'm willing and I'm able to even just try

just to say. I want to see if I could get out

of this. I don't know if I can. And I don't know

what it's going to look like. And that's also

fear of the unknown. That's another thing, too.

There's a lot of situations and there's a lot

of things that people are thinking as far as

going, getting out of a situation where now we

become positive. And this is what the guests

do in this show. And it's a very consistent thing,

because I want to be able to show people, right,

that there is the light at the end of the tunnel.

There's always a positive result to everything.

So if you could do that for me, I would appreciate

it. Thank you. Well, to start with, again, my

name is Cheryl Fimble, and this is to do about

retirement. I had worked for 45 years in healthcare.

Unexpectedly, at the age of 69, I received a

phone call that my position was eliminated. I

was planning to work until I was 70 so that I

could have the full retirement. But anyway, this

happened at age 68, two weeks before my 69th

birthday and two weeks after my mother's funeral.

Not only did I have losing my job happen to me,

but then I lost my mother, which was very, very

significant to me at the same time. So needless

to say, I was just, I was an absolute mess. I

really was. But the first thing that I really

worried about was the money part of it, because

that's really all I'd ever thought about. in

retirement, it's like, do I have enough money

to retire? That sort of thing. And I was worried

because you want to have enough to make sure

that you have enough to live on, that sort of

thing. But I'd also dreamed of being able to

travel and do all sorts of things like that whenever

I retire. So my first thing that I did was I

went to a financial planner and we sat down and

she confirmed that I had saved enough money throughout

the years. to be able to retire comfortably.

I wouldn't have to significantly change my lifestyle,

but there wasn't enough out there for me just

to be able to go on trips two or three times

a year and all of that sort of thing. But it

was real comforting to me to know that money

wasn't necessarily going to be an issue. So anyway,

what nobody told me is that Work just doesn't

provide your income. There's more to it than

that. For example, work determines what time

you get up in the morning. Work determines your

whole schedule throughout the day of what you're

doing. At work is your social world, people that

you speak with and you have lunch with and all

of that. Work is also your sense of being needed.

And so whenever the paycheck stops, all of that

other stuff stops, too. And that is something

that I had not thought about at all. I thought,

oh, well, if I have enough money to live on,

then I'm OK. Retirement is going to be good.

And throughout my life, yeah, I'd thought about

retirement. Oh, yeah, I'm going to be able to

complete this and complete that and do this when

I retire. But I really had not thought about

it specific enough to know what it was actually

going to be with. So here I find myself by going

ahead and I retire and the first week is pretty

good. It's kind of like a vacation and you wake

up whenever you want to, even though the first

morning I did wake up and it's like, oh, my alarm

didn't go off, you know, and I was a little nervous,

but, you know, and it's like, oh, I'm retired

now, how great. Then I went and got my cup of

coffee. And then after that, it's like, Well,

what am I going to do for the rest of the day?

So anyway, there was some of that that went on.

But but anyway, I thought, oh, well, you know,

this is great. So I found I found that it was

there was there was a lot more to it than that.

The first week, like I said, it was like a vacation.

The second week, it's like, well, what do I do?

I remember one afternoon at two o 'clock, I sat

down to watch a movie and I felt guilty, very

guilty for watching the movie because I should

be doing something. I was so used to in my business

life always having something to do. That to -do

list was really long and all of that and I no

longer had that structure. That was probably

the first thing that hit me up. after I retired.

The biggest mistake that I made was not preparing

for it ahead of time. So now, going on in, I

went through like three months, four months,

and I was just kind of drifting around. Well,

I would get up early one morning, I would drink

my coffee, and I would pittle around. The next

thing I know, the day is gone. I hadn't done

anything. And I'm just, it was just like I had

no purpose. I was just kind of floating around.

Even at some point in time, I was depressed because

it's like, okay, I'm retired. It was supposed

to be so great, but this really isn't great.

I'm not doing anything. So anyway, I spoke to

my sister about that. She was kind of my lifesaver

throughout the whole thing, but she told me,

she said, Cheryl, don't try to do everything

at once because that was the problem. I think

it was like, I have so much to do. I couldn't

do anything. And she would say, well, figure

out two or three things, Cheryl, a day. Take

a list. I'm going to do these two or three things

a day. And whenever you do it, then you're finished.

You've accomplished something and feel good about

it. So that is one thing that I started doing,

which really and truly did seem to help. some

with all of it. But the thing about it is, okay,

that was getting me through, but I still had

all of these things that I really wanted to do

that I hadn't even started doing. It sounds crazy.

It's like, well, just get in and do it. That's

how my moment. came when it's like, okay, this

is not working. In my work life, I have always

been a, I've had huge long lists of to -dos and

I've always been able to prioritize them, make

my plan, work through it, do the whole thing.

But I was at a point where I couldn't do that.

I just, I couldn't make myself do it. And I think

part of that probably was depression, but part

of it I think was not having that structure that

I had at work. And so in my mind, I'm thinking

I need structure, I don't have it. And so I wasn't

doing anything. So that moment that I had. I

was standing in the middle of my craft room.

I actually do like to craft. I sew and I knit.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, whether it's my

perspective or my husband's perspective, I've

got lots of fabric. I have lots of yarn. I've

got a lot of things that patterns and things

that I want to make and I wasn't doing any of

that. So I was just standing in the middle of

my room and I have all of this stuff in here.

And I told myself, Cheryl, you have got to get

a grip. You have got to work this thing out.

I just couldn't stumble along in my retirement.

And I was miserable. I was depressed. everything

that I had dreamed that was going to happen when

I retired was not happening at all. So at that

point, I would have to say that was actually

my low point, but I was thinking about something

that my father always said. And he always said

that when we had difficult times or I had a difficult

time, he would always say, well, Cheryl, just

do the best with what you have and don't worry

about the rest. And so it's like, OK. I need

to do the best with what I have. And what do

I have? Well, I have an analytical mind. And

any time at work or whatever when I didn't know

how to do something, I would do research. I would

find out how to do it. And then I would decide

what the best route is to go, make the plan,

and go through it. So that's what I need to do.

So I pulled out my laptop and I didn't even really

know what to search for, but I just started looking

around and what I found actually changed everything

because everything that I was experiencing actually

had a name. It's called identity loss, purpose

disruption. the paralysis of unstructured time.

It was well documented out there and it was real

and other people have gone through that and they've

out they come out on the other side of that.

So the circumstances didn't change the moment

that I had that I made that decision but what

it changed was my relationship to them. I went

from feeling broken to understanding, okay, I'm

in a process. That is my moment when I had that

internal shift that made it possible for me to

go through the rest of my retirement and get

to the point where I was doing more than just

surviving. I knew from the research, that the

first 90 days is a transition period and that

I needed to go through that period before I could

get to the point where I would start thriving.

So that's kind of the beginning of where all

of this started and how I got to that decision

point where I needed to do something. Yeah, that

was very good. Thank you for that. And your description

was excellent. And I don't really have to ask

a lot of questions because you pretty much answered

the ball. You explained about the process and

your feeling and all that stuff in detail as

much as you wanted to. And that's fine. But.

A lot of times we talk about there was a few

things I was thinking about when you were sharing

these things. And a lot of times people and I've

been in this business a very long time and I've

helped a lot of people. I'm a coach. I'm not

trying to sell myself. This is not what this

podcast is about. It's mainly about helping people

become more positive, get out the other side.

All that stuff that we were talking about in

the very beginning. Right. In my intro. But I

know from and. Like you said, this is very common

because I'm going to tell you, I've known from

a lot of people, and I actually have personal

experience with family members too with this,

that there's always, when I work, just going

to use work as an example, there's structure.

I create a certain structure. And if I do that

for a long period of time, I don't realize this

is happening. OK, because I'm so embedded into

that. And that's not a negative thing. That's

a good thing because structure is always good.

But here's the thing. Once I do something different,

I need to prepare. For what that is I need to

prepare in advance for what that is Because and

you didn't realize this and that's totally fine

because this is part of your process There's

nothing wrong with that. This is your process

This is what you went through and this is what

you were supposed to go through because this

is just the way it is This is what happened,

right? But the point is that if I'm able to prepare

myself, right then I know what's gonna happen

and I know what is gonna happen to me and how

I'm gonna feel. So the thing is, a lot of people

say, oh, just think about today. Well, you know

what? There are ways that I can know what's gonna

happen before it actually happens. There are

ways to do that, and there's all different processes

and there's all stuff that I teach. And this

helps also in business with the executives, but

this helps a lot of times when people are going

through a major change. And I don't think this

is not something that I've really talked about

a lot in the previous episodes that I've had.

only because a lot of things get repeated, but

it doesn't matter. So what I want to do is I

want to prepare for it. Now you looked at whatever

came up is what was supposed to come up right

on the computer. So you knew what you did. Maybe

you worked with computers at your job and you

did whatever was comfortable. So this was what

came up. So this is like the psychology version

basically of what happened and a psychological

thing and a mental thing. however you want to

really describe it. And that is what connected

with you in your mind. Like I said, that's your

process and that's totally fine. There's nothing

wrong with that. And when I do these things,

what's happening now? I'm going out of my comfort

zone. First, you did big time because you went

to the retirement. I told you there was no problem

with the money. But you just explained. You just

talked about your feelings and your process and

everything that happened in between that time,

which is one of the questions that I ask. And

a lot of guests are. They need to like go into

that direction, but you didn't, which is, which

is good because like I said, this is, this is

just the way that your thought process works.

We just find. So I want to prepare. I want to

be able to prepare myself for a major change.

or for what I'm going through, providing that

I want to first decide that I want to take this

step. And sometimes things happen to us that

force us to do this or give us a push. Doesn't

have to be like a big major force thing, just

a little push or somebody says something or I

see something on TV or something like that. And

that gives us a little push and then says, oh,

let me try this. But the thing with that is if

I want to always be able to prepare myself and

I want to see what are the pluses and the minuses

so I can take a piece of paper and write, make

two columns, one column is negative, one column

is positive. And what is what is more right of

each column or something like that? If it comes

out more negative than positive, then I might

doesn't mean I can't do it. But then I might

want to figure out how I'm going to get more

positives in if I'm going to go in this direction.

And what you went through, what you're describing,

right, did work out for you because you found

the proper tools and the proper way to do this,

where you're changing your mindset. Right. Now,

a lot of people, when they retire and stuff,

they have, like I said, they have a schedule

or they have the structure. So, I help people

do this and I create the structure. You know

what I mean? They create the structure. I give

them a plan and a guide and stuff. Just like

they're at work. Just like they're at work. The

same thing, they're just not at work. It's the

same. We make a schedule. It's just different

things on the schedule. That's all it is, right?

Absolutely. So this when we do it this way, this

is a very easy transition. And then you might

want to move away from the schedule. You might

want to do one thing on your own or two things

on your own, you know, or something like that.

Right. And like I said, you had your own path.

You had your own thought pattern. And that's

totally fine. There's nothing wrong with that.

But somebody, a listener might be thinking they

might. just listen to this and they might be

thinking, well, I can't do that. I need to do

it in a different way or I need to have the structure,

different things. That's why I am offering all

different ways of doing things depending on the

person's mindset, what the person's comfortable

doing. So how do you feel? Today, since you answered

most of my questions, which are very, very good.

How do you feel today based on this podcast,

everything you said and your process? And also,

if you could just talk about very quickly, what

was the end result? You can incorporate that

into that because you basically said the whole

thing. If there's something you missed, that's

fine. But it sounds to me like we may just making

the point here. How do you feel about all of

that stuff? I feel like I do have purpose now.

I've worked through all of that. To begin with,

and this came from the research that I did, is

that I made a list of 20 things that I am without

the word director in front of it, or without

the title, to help me determine who am I right

now, because I was thinking, who am I? Well,

I'm a mother, I'm a wife, what am I, when am

I? And went through all of that, and I came up

with things that I've always been, but... work

because I worked so much they kind of were pushed

to the side so What I am and then looking at

at things that that matter to me Things that

that I would do without any pay That sort of

thing and I looked through that and then I found

some purpose I found purpose for myself one of

which is writing the book the hidden side of

retirement and singing in my church choir and

things like that, that I didn't have time for

before. So in doing all of that, setting my little

schedule, it's a bare bone schedule, but I do

have a schedule of things that I do every day,

which keeps in my mind, I need that. Maybe everybody

doesn't, but I need that. Then giving myself

purpose, figuring those things out. Now I'm into

my next phase after the 90 days where I can work

further into that. So it's not over once you

figure out those things, then you've got to keep

working through it. But in doing that, I'm much

calmer. I am really enjoying retirement. I love.

not having to get up and drive an hour in traffic

to get to work. I love being available. I recently

had a friend that had some surgery and I was

able to go full week and stay with her. I didn't

have to worry about work the whole time. It's

made me a much better person by going through

the different processes I did and writing about

it was actually very helpful to me too, kind

of healing. Even though I wasn't able to follow

all of the things that I found in research during

my first 90 days, I was able to do it afterwards.

And then I'm able to share that with others,

which, like I said, is all part of that healing

process. So I'm not anywhere, by any means, I'm

not... My retirement isn't perfect. I'm still

working through things. My husband and I every

once in a while still encounter something that

we didn't discuss about who's going to do what

when we're both at home all the time, that sort

of thing. But I am not depressed. I'm not wandering

around. I actually feel like that. I know where

I'm going. I know what I'm doing. And I'm looking

forward to my future and retirement very much.

Very good. That was excellent. And that's an

excellent way to close. And I really appreciate

that. Thank you. And in closing, I would just

like to say that anybody could get through anything.

There is no such thing as a negative situation.

And I hope somebody can relate to any part of

this podcast at all. It doesn't have to be the

thing, right? The situation or the scenario that

we're talking about here. It can be any part

of this podcast at all. this conversation is

a reminder that progress really comes from one

big decision, but from the internal choices we

repeat. If something from today's discussion

connected with you, take a moment to notice how

those internal choices showed up in your own

life. This has been the Internal Shift Show.

Thank you for listening and thank you Cheryl

for being on the show. I really appreciate it.

Thank you for having me.