Jenna Udenberg- Disability Resilience

Welcome to the Internal Shift Show. I'm Debbie

Longo, Transformational Coach. This show explores

how the way we think, decide and respond internally

influences where we end up over time. Today's

conversation draws on real experience and expertise

to look at how small internal shifts can change

direction, momentum and outcomes. We have a very

special guest today, Jenna Udenberg. Good afternoon,

Jenna. Welcome to the show. Hi, Debbie. Thanks

for having me. What I'm gonna ask for you to

do is basically tell your story and focus on

a traumatic experience or life change and then

how you went through that process and what was

the end result and the end result should always

be positive. Now, one of the reasons why I do

this is because there's somebody out there, everybody

has their own individual story. But there's somebody

out there that can identify with a certain part

of your story. And we want to explain and show

to these people, like the listener, right? Whoever,

whatever part that they can identify with that

there is a way out and they don't have to sit

in their sick and suffering because a lot of

times people don't know that they can get better.

They just want to sit in the negative. They think

that that's going to be their life for their

whole entire life. They don't know they're uneducated.

They don't want to do it. There's a million different

reasons. But a lot of times, if somebody could

see the process, if somebody's explaining it,

sometimes people can visualize it in their in

their minds, their own life. Very similar to

what you're saying. Then they can see that they

can get out of it. At least we are showing them.

At least we're kind of like giving them an education,

you know, and that's what I'm really going to

ask you to do. So if you could do that, I would

appreciate it. Thank you. Yeah, absolutely. So

a little bit about where I came from. I grew

up in rural Minnesota on beautiful Lake Superior

by age seven. I was diagnosed with juvenile arthritis

and by age eight I was in a manual wheelchair.

So it just kind of gives you a context of the

late 80s, early 90s of becoming a disabled young

person with not a lot of resources and not a

lot of the cool things that we see in life today.

Not a lot of accessibility, not a lot of access

to adaptive recreation and all just all the things

that we now know today. And I became a music

educator because I had an amazing eighth grade

band director who saw me as a person and that

inspired me to want to go into it. Not the music

of chord structure, not all the different instruments,

all the things. And so growing up, life wasn't

easy. That was the era of pick yourself up by

your bootstraps. Make lemonade out of lemons.

Lots of ableist type of connotations. And have

all those things come out of my mouth before?

Absolutely. But as I went through things of discrimination,

as I went through bullying, as I went through

spaces and places that were not made for me,

that I was not welcome in, I had to develop grit.

I had to develop my reliance on others. And so

the story that I'm going to choose to share with

your audience today is something that's more

recent, but you needed to know some of that background

information of all the things I went through.

And I started doing orthopedic surgeries at age

15. So I think to date I've had 19 surgeries.

I have six different joint replacements. I'm

still in a manual wheelchair. I'm a proud disabled

young woman, middle -aged woman. I forget about

that new label, but I had a wonderful 19 -year

career as a music educator. I have both certifications

in instrumental and vocal K -12. I've taught

anywhere from community schools that are charter

schools to parochial private Catholic schools

to ending my career in a public high school,

elementary, two different schools. Our school

district is actually the size of Rhode Island

when it comes to geography. So a lot of empty

land and forest in between, but just to give

you some context. And so again, most of my life

I was dealing with my physical disability. Everyone

saw my wheelchair first and made a lot of assumptions

and not good assumptions more often than not.

And so when the COVID -19 pandemic happened,

all of us were just a hot mess. The whole world

was a hot mess, let's just be honest. Because

we never experienced that before. And the uncertainty

was a killer. And that was the first time that

my invisible disabilities of being immunocompromised,

of being somebody that has multiple diagnoses,

not just my juvenile arthritis at that point

in my life, and all the medications and what

that did to me. And so I was getting ready to

just head back into the classroom and working

with administration to figure out how is this

going to look. I can't unmask and eat in the

faculty room. I can't unmask in my music room

where all these kids were just coughing and sneezing

and singing and all the things. And we were a

week out from me at Joining my classroom and

joining my peers and being a part of things and

I thought I'd get to either stay here in the

space I'm coming to you from today and teach

virtually or be in place and about the bubble

and that was a part of life back in that time

and Literally the school district came back though

like days before we were supposed to enter the

classroom and they said we're no longer interested

in accommodating your work from home order. And

we are prepared to make you take a disability

retirement. You need to work with the union.

We're working with our lawyers. I found my own

disability lawyer that nobody knew about and

just had to protect all the things. And so my

story today is really about identity crisis because

so much of who I was was wrapped up in Miss You

because my kids couldn't say Udenburg because

most of us can't. So my kids called me miss you.

And so so much of my life was wrapped up in that.

And I didn't realize how much. When it was unexpected,

I didn't get to have any final concerts. I didn't

get to have any final programs. I didn't get

to say goodbye to my kids. A month or two into

the battle, I had my friends, coworkers, colleagues

texting me saying, Jenna, this feels really gross,

because the kids think you died of COVID. Can

you make a video? Can you make us something?

Like these kids need to know that you're okay.

It's just that you're no longer their music teacher.

And that just rips your heart out, shoves the

knife in, twists it, all the things, right? And

yet legally I was bound up. I couldn't really

say anything. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't

do the very things that I knew was good. And

so that was super hard. And then when I was cleaning

up this space, picking up maracas and all the

little instruments that one does elementary music

with in this space, tears coming down my face,

all the things. I was given the words accessibility

educator and I was like, I don't know what that

means. I've never heard that terminology before.

I don't understand it. And so for whatever in

my head, it was like, well, if I'm done as a

music teacher, then therefore all of education

is also done. Like, at least for me, I'm such

an all -or -nothing person. It's either all black,

it's all white, I hate gray, but we're always

living in the gray because that's just human

life. And so it took months to over a year to

be like, oh no, all of these soft skills that

you learn as an educator or however you're trained,

they translate amazingly into other spaces and

places. During this time, I was a 2020 Bush fellow,

and so I was so thankful of how all the timing

just worked out. And so in being a Bush fellow,

I was developing my own leadership skills. I

was doing E Cornell coursework and trainings

and leadership certifications and starting to

figure out how can I develop a nonprofit? How

can I tell my story? I don't want to have to

have 5 ,000 coffee conversations to make one

impact in policy or to make things more accessible.

And so I wrote my memoir and. It was just interesting

to see the doors that opened that would not have

opened. Had I still been back in that classroom?

Had I still been an employee? Had I still had

the label of music teacher or miss you? And yet

I still was able to have that connection to kids.

I also coach Lego robotics and so I was allowed

to continue to. to coach virtually and have somebody

there in person and all the things. And so Miss

You is still alive, just in a different way.

And so with Accessibility Educator, it was like,

OK, well, now I need to find new people. I need

to find those that have gone before me in the

nonprofit sector. I need to find people that

are more skilled in these things and reach out

to friends who have done this before. And so,

like you said, kind of in the beginning, too,

is for me, the nutshell is representation matters.

I needed to find people that looked like me,

that acted like me, that had a passion like me.

And the scary part of going into becoming an

accessibility educator, becoming a disability

activist and active advocate is that I live this

life every day. So right now, being completely

vulnerable with you right now, like today's a

rough day. I'm in northern Minnesota. We had

a blizzard last week. Nothing compared to the

East Coast is going through now, but the ice

and snow makes all environments not accessible

for me. And so when you add in, now it's like,

oh, and I'll leave this nonprofit. Now go and

do these works to change policy, to change procedures,

to raise awareness. There has to be, for me,

there has to be that balance of self -care and

the ability of seeing all of these challenges

or opportunities as really a marathon and not

a sprint. And so... Being vulnerable and even

coming today to share these stories is how do

we go from where we find ourselves, whether it's

emotionally, hormonally, lack of sleep, lack

of good food. All the things that we don't realize

are just the everyday little things that slowly

bring us down and down and down and down. But

then the reverse of it is there are just little

simple things that can bring us back up out of

that pit or out of that cave. Like it just depends

on how long we've been there. And I also, as

somebody who has suicide ideation back in my

teens, I do have to be careful in some of those

spaces as well, because it's such a slippery

slope when you start letting one part of your

medical or your whole being take a hit. And so,

being self -reflective, and for me, because I'm

not married, I'm not connected in any of those

ways, it's very important for me to stay intentional.

of making sure that my support system is clued

in, because they can't read my mind. And that

was one of the greatest lessons that I ever learned

from a very good friend, which was really hard.

But people can't read our minds. Don't make assumptions

that they're gonna know. Don't put expectations

on them that they should know, because I don't

know. Because whatever expectations I'm putting

out into the world, then I'm saying that the

rest of the world can put on me. And that doesn't

feel good. That's a heavy lift. That's really

hard. So I'm trying to be a better communicator.

I still struggle with that. We still go to default

mode. We go to the places in which our family

of origin was a part of, unless you do some really

deep, hard work and you're really held accountable

to change that default script, that default mode.

But I love being in spaces with transformational

leaders. I love being in spaces that are safe

places for us to grow and learn. And so I try

to create those spaces for people that are in

leadership with me or that I'm alongside. And

I desire to learn more of those tips and tricks,

because like I said, today's a rough day. It's

been a rough week of access issues and just lots

of work and things that are hard. But that's

why I so look forward to our conversation today,

because I knew that you would help me even in

talking. just bring out those kernels and those

diamonds that are still in the rough. And you

still got to do the work to find the diamond,

but they're still there and they'll still glisten.

Sometimes you just got to get them wet with tears

or water or whatever. Yeah, that was good. So

to me, it sounds like you were in a pickle. You

are in a spot where you might not have seen a

way out. or might not have known that this completely

different path that from teaching, going to nonprofit

and everything else that you said, you didn't

know that this was even it was inconceivable.

You didn't know what was going to happen. So

it's basically like the unknown. And that's because

I'm not a psychic. Nobody's a psychic. And even

if I was, I still don't know everything. because

there's plenty of great plenty of great psychics

out there and they're not you know what i mean

they're not going to know but here's the first

thing is that what i like to say is i like to

live one day at a time so basically i'm focusing

on that day and whatever happens tomorrow i don't

know because that's the future so that's like

the fear of the unknown so when i start saying

This is going to happen. I'm not saying you're

saying this. I'm saying it's kind of sounds like

it. And at one point, maybe in your life. And

this is also a very common scenario. So if I

say tomorrow or next year, I'm going to be like

this. A lot of times the thinking, the mindset

is negative. And then when I do that, then I

go into fear and worry and go into all this negativity.

And the other thing is that there is no such

thing. as a traumatic experience or a sadness

or any negativity. So that is the thing. Like

you have a handicap. That's the thing. That's

a physical thing. But how do you feel about that?

And how is your mind taking in and absorbing

that that issue? What you have to go through

every day is it absorbing it in a negative or

is it absorbing it in a positive? Do I wake up

the Special Olympics? I love the Special Olympics

I think it's fantastic because I can see all

these people like I know they weren't like that

their whole life You know what I mean at some

point. They probably weren't doing great And

then they went all the way to that. And that

truly, truly, truly is an amazing thing. But

the point here is that my mind controls everything.

Now, whether I have a disease or condition or

whatever, that's up to the person to really determine

that for themselves. And. What the severity is

of it or whatever. But my mind is controlling

what I do every day and how I think and how I

react to situations. And I want to know that

whatever that thing is, it could be like we're

talking about the handicapped here. It could

be a trauma if somebody got into a car accident.

Maybe nothing happened to them. Maybe it was

just the fear of whatever situation. whatever

happened in that car accident. I mean, I could

think of a million examples of this. So whatever

that thing is, that's a physical thing. So I'm

really not in a way. This is how I like to explain

it. In a way, I'm really not connected to that

thing. I connect. I connect it myself with my

mind. OK, I make the connection and that's could

be negative or positive. But do I want to connect

with it or do I not? I could separate my mind

from it and say, I don't want to think about

this. This is a separate thing from me. The physical

and the mental is separate. Or if I want to connect

with it and embrace it and love it. And then

I want to make sure that I'm working on being

that a positive thinking that is a positive,

turning it into a positive every single day.

And you know how I do that? You want to know

the easiest way is I say the opposite. of what

I'm thinking. So I say I can't get up and walk

today. I can get up and walk today. So whatever

I'm thinking that's negative, I just say the

opposite. Very simple. And then another thing

is I want to repeat this over and over and over

again, because then I'm going to say I can't

walk today. I'm going to go right back to it.

Then I have to say I can walk today. So I keep

repeating the same thing over and over again,

the positive statement. Oh, however I want to

say it. Then what happens if I keep repeating?

Eventually, my it digs into my brain. And then

I just say it and then I just say it. And then

all of a sudden now I'm not negative anymore.

It seems like you really came. You learned the

lesson. You took the step forward. And it seems

like you really came through the other side without

knowing what was going to happen. Maybe you had

some idea or whatever, you know, but even if

we know, even if we have signs or somebody tells

us something, we're still not going to know the

outcome. So to me, it's very, very common that

a lot of people say, I don't want to do this

because I'm afraid. And then what are you afraid

of? I'm afraid of the outcome. I'm afraid of

what's going to happen. because they're automatically

projecting that and that's going to be in the

negative. Then that's the thing. So even if I

know it's impossible for me to know what the

outcome is. So I just have to just take that

leap and say this is presented to me. Somebody

said I should do this. I'm just going to try

it. I'm going to have to. I'm not going to think

about it. I'm not going to project. I'm not going

to talk myself out of it. I'm just going to try

it and whatever happens happens. And that's it.

And then I go negative. I turn into positive.

Negative turn into positive. So I'm constantly

doing this every day. I have to do this because

the whole world is negative. Everybody. Yep.

I go to the store. Two people are yelling. One

woman's yelling at the cashier right in front

of me. The woman that's standing online in front

of me is yelling at the cashier. I come home,

my kids are arguing. I go to work, the boss is

yelling at an employee. Everywhere I go, most

of the time, from beginning to end, I go outside

of my house, the neighbor's yelling at the lawnmower

because the lawnmower broke. I could go on and

on. I mean, there's tons of things that are around

us that are negative, but I don't have to be

that way. And I teach this stuff all the time.

In a hundred different ways. I mean, I'm just

just doing a few examples off the top of my head,

which I know are very common. But I mean, there's

tons of examples, all different scenarios and

stories of this different things that we're talking

about here. But I teach this stuff. So I changed

first because if I don't know it, I can't teach

it. That's the problem. If I'm not like that,

right, I can't teach that. And think about when

you were a teacher, you had to know all the lessons

and all the answers to the tests. How are you

gonna grade the tests? How are you gonna pass

somebody or fail anybody? So the teacher has

to know, and that's really what I... Consider

I always say, like, even though I use that title,

I don't have a teaching degree. You know what

I mean? I use that title as a coach, transformational

coach, which is just a very, very general term.

But there's tons of different things that I do.

But it really sounds positive what you're saying.

Because why? Because you told your story, you

went through the process and you showed us you

explained. But you also showed us in a way that

you changed all of that, which sounded like a

lot. It sounded like a lot. And you've changed

all of that. And now you're a successful, beautiful

woman. And that's really the truth. Yeah. Well,

it's funny when you're attacking to. So it's

like it's so funny when everybody is like, oh.

You must have fear of failure a lot, and I'm

like, no, I actually have fear of success. But

then as you're sharing and all that, it was like

that was like the mental game happening in my

brain was like, yeah, you're right. Guess what?

So if today is successful, then tomorrow's problems

are tomorrow's. And that's when you get to bring

more people into your team and you get to do

more and different things. But yeah, don't overthink

it. Don't overdo it. Just take the next right

step and it'll be what it'll be. Because if I

have something happen, I want to now control

that thing doesn't work out. Maybe or maybe if

it does, I don't like the outcome, whatever.

Now I want to control the situation. I want to

try to control the next situation because I want

it to be better. I want it to be some way, but

it's not going to be the way that I want it nine

times out of ten. That's the thing. And we have

the ability to think for ourselves. Every human

being has the ability. So you have a choice.

You have something presented to you. Same thing

with me or anybody. Which way am I going to go?

Am I going to take that suggestion? If somebody

says you should do this, you should move on.

You should get another career. Am I going to

take that suggestion? Am I going to take that

advice or am I not? So if I don't, that's one

path I go on and that's another separate process.

And that'll lead me to another outcome. And if

I do take it. And I say, oh, this sounds interesting.

It sounds like a good idea. Maybe I'll try it.

That leaves me. I go. Now I'm on it. Separate

doing a separate process. And that leaves me

to a separate outcome. So we have all different

paths. Everybody have all different paths that

we could take. And all of that is going to lead

us to a different ending. Now could be the ending.

It could be the beginning. It could be. The end

of the beginning and then we could start or could

be ending and then we just completely go. In

a different direction incomplete so it's there's

all different situations that you know but that's

the way i want to start is getting rid of that

negativity. and changing that and making it a

positive with every single thing I do, every

single thing. I have people call me just so they

could hear positive pages, just so they can hear

something positive about themselves. It's hysterical.

And what do I do? I say the opposite of what

they say. That's all I do. Yeah, that's all I

do. They'll say, oh, I feel like crap today.

Oh, no, you feel good. Yep. That's all I do.

They'll say, oh, I don't like the color of my

shirt because it's blue. I say, oh, blue is a

gray color. Yeah, I had a laugh several years

ago. A leader person was like, do you tell yourself

you're tired? Like, well, what woman in their

middle ages don't say that they're tired. They're

like, well, how many times do you tell yourself

that in a day? And it's like, oh, yeah, self

-fulfilling prophecy. You're right there because

then you're just always saying in the affirmative,

like, yeah, I am tired. Yeah, I shouldn't have

done this. I should have gone to bed. I shouldn't

do this. I should. And then it's like, how much

energy do you just waste in your thought process

than just being like, I'm here. Let's do this.

And I perceive that as a negative. If somebody

says, oh, are you tired? And even if I am, I

probably would say, no, I'm not. You know what

I mean? Just to change it, just to change it

to me. You might not think that's a negative

statement, but I kind of do and only because

When I'm tired, that prevents me from doing things

because I just want to go to sleep or I just

want to sit home and binge watch cable TV or

something like that. It's something it's going

to be. To me, the outcome is not going to be

productive. Maybe somebody is really tired. Maybe

they didn't sleep the night before. Maybe they

really do need sleep. I don't know. But that's

why I'm saying. I want to determine, first of

all, if it's a negative statement, I want to

take every single statement. It's hard to do

in the beginning. Every single thought, every

thought. So I have to listen. I have to analyze

every single thought, literally, because if I

say one negative thought, if I think one thing

about myself, that's not going to have a good

outcome or I know is going to be uncomfortable

for me. Then I don't want that. Then I'm negative.

One negative thing, one negative thought makes

me negative. That's the problem. You know, that's

the thing. So people want to fight for other

people and that's fine. But the problem with

that is everybody has to fight because a lot

of people like stand up for themselves, you know,

in all different ways. I'm not going to physically

fighting. You know, I'm saying stand up for themselves.

But the problem with that is everybody has to

stand up for themselves. And if one or two people

don't, then they're not. You know what I mean?

Because you have to constantly be canceling out

that negativity. So it's looking for an opening.

So wherever it can find an opening, it will go

into you and it will just just grab you. That's

the thing. You can't have an opening. And even

I would say for people when they're asking those

questions, too, you know what I mean? Like, don't

come up and be like, oh, Debbie, you're looking

really tired. Are you tired instead of just like,

hey, Debbie, it's so great to see you. How are

you feeling today? Like, it's so refreshing when

you come across the second example than when

you come across the first. It's like. Oh, yeah,

you're right. I haven't finished my caffeine

today. Oh, you're right. I haven't slept well

in four weeks. Like it just sends the other person

down this highway of not good things. And then

you'll be able to do this to other people. You'll

be able to say, oh, you look really good today

instead of, oh, you look really tired. You look

horrible. You should spend the next 15 hours

in bed sleeping. I mean, there's a difference.

So I don't say anything negative to anybody,

you know, and that's another reason why I like

this podcast where we tell our story, because

the feedback that I give nine times out of 10

is going to be positive. I might not say it at

the beginning because we're talking about what

the process, right, what the person is doing.

But I always want to talk about what's the positive

out of this story. That's the main thing. What

can happen that's going to be good for me? That's

going to be better. better than the life that

I'm living now, I'm going to be happier. And

if I want to sit in my suffering and I want to

stay there, that's perfectly fine with me. I'm

not like that. I'm not that way today. I went

through my process and I came out the other side.

I have my own story. But if somebody wants that,

that's fine. If somebody doesn't write, then

they can change. They definitely can, whether

they think so or not. That's not the issue. You

could think whatever you want. It doesn't matter.

If you can put in the footwork and you can say,

I'm willing or maybe I'm going to give it a try

or just have blind faith or I don't know if this

is going to work. That's really all that's going

to be really required. Really, when you really,

really think about it, because some people do

it on their own. And I have a lot of people on

this podcast. They tell their story and a lot

of them. Some people did it with help, but some

people went through their process and they just

knew that eventually as they were going through

their process, they just knew that they needed

to change. And then something happened and then

they did it and then something else happened.

And that's how they were able to come come to

that, get over that those things. So that's the

thing. So like I said, everybody has different

situations. But the best thing to do is I'm not

trying to sell myself because this is not about

selling. But the best thing to do is work with

somebody in a professional field. I'm a coach.

I'm not a psychologist. I'm not a psychiatrist.

I don't I'm not a doctor. I don't prescribe medication.

I don't have any degrees and I have no desire

to have any degrees at all because that's not

what I teach. And that's not the direction that

I want to go into. If somebody wants to seek

that out, that's fine with them. But there are

a lot of people in this world that have done

that and that has not worked. And that's the

whole thing. And that's why they're seeking other

people out. And that's the best way to do it

is work with, like I said, whoever you think

is a professional or whatever, whoever you want

to do it and one on one. And that will help you

to determine your outcome because it doesn't

your life doesn't have to be the way that it

is now. If if somebody is unhappy and just a

little bit. Just a little part of their life,

then they're unhappy. Yeah. And sometimes we

go through hard life lessons and it's not necessarily

all about us either. Sometimes we go through

things to get through our process, to get to

the other healed side and that positive side

to then see the next person that's coming alongside

that has similar situations or whatever. And

they're just learning and helping each other

out. So we're definitely interdependent, not

independent. Yeah. Definitely. This has been

very good. As we close, this conversation is

a reminder that progress really comes from one

big decision, but from the internal choices we

repeat. If something from today's discussion

connected with you, take a moment to notice how

those internal choices show up in your own life.

This has been the Internal Shift Show. Thank

you for listening and thank you, Jennifer, for

being on the show. I appreciate it.