Monica Kaufman- Identity Responsibility

Welcome to the internal shift show where we slow

the conversation down and explore the moments

that quietly change how we see ourselves, our

lives in our direction. This isn't a show about

quick fixes or polished success stories. It's

about the internal shifts that happen long before

external change becomes visible. The pauses,

the uncertainty. The re -collaboration that happens

when old patterns stop working and clarity hasn't

arrived yet. These are the moments that shape

who we become, whether we acknowledge them or

not. Today I'm joined by Monica Kaufman. Monica

is a certified financial planner and the founder

of Harmony Wealth Academy, but her work goes

far beyond numbers and spreadsheets. At the core

of what she does is identity, responsibility,

and the international steadiness required to

make meaningful decisions, especially when life

feels uncertain or unresolved. Monica has lived

inside prolonged ambiguity, building a demanding

career, raising a family, and navigating years

alongside a spouse with severe clinical depression.

These experiences reshaped how she understands

control, responsibility, and what it means to

move forward when answers aren't clear. a calm

grounded perspective to conversations about money,

identity and personal agency without urgency,

pressure or performance. This conversation isn't

about advice. It's about reflection awareness

and the internal shifts that quietly change everything.

Good afternoon, Monica. Welcome to the show.

Thank you. I'm happy to be here. Very good. Thank

you. I really appreciate you being here. We're

talking a little bit about These seasons that

when you're carrying responsibility without having

some clarity, you're doing what needs to be done.

But internally, something is shifting before

you have language for it. Now, I realize that

the quiet shift often changes how you see yourself

long before anything changes on the outside.

Absolutely. You can't create. lasting change

without changing the core identity. So if I want

to simplify that a little bit and let me know

if you agree with me on this. But I look at this

as sort of like programming. It's like an operating

system and you don't realize it, but you get

one or psychologists say you get the basic framework

of it by age six and you get it from your family.

You get it from the environment and the culture

around you. Now. You're not a potted plant, you

can shift, you can move. But basically you will

default back down to that operating personality.

And it's how you see yourself. It's how you learn

how to control your body and who your body is.

It's how you learn that you are worthwhile of

being responded to. That's why it's so important

for parents to respond to a crying baby. And

then you get that loving message and you learn

these messages and who you are. And you develop

a core identity and it's. Anything you do where

you try to change action without understanding

that you have to change a key piece of who you

are based on that programming doesn't work it

doesn't last. And frequently the impetus for

change is usually pain. You're going through

something is painful it's scary. There's some

sort of emotion or negative emotion connected

to that. And that's the impetus for you to actually

look at that piece of the identity and say, does

that serve? Does that serve me? Does that fit

me? Does that reflect reality? And when it comes

to finance, you can see it kind of clearly because

money is nothing more than a set of tools in

your hands. What you do with it is a reflection

of who you are. It's just an extension of your

arm. And so if you don't like what you're doing

with money, you have to look at why you're doing

it and what the messages were. And that's where

I start with my work. I start with those money

scripts that we've inherited. And you can look

at that and you say, okay, so here's where this

is showing up. This is what this is. What do

I then do? And you do have to do an identity

shift. And the why has to be big enough. The

pain or the desire has to be big enough to get

you there. It's hard. Yeah, and I agree with

that. This is another thing that I talk about

a lot, and this is a big thing that I teach that

when I have a computer, the little bit of old

language is there's a hard drive and a soft drive,

a ROM memory and a RAM memory. We don't, a lot

of computers have chips now. So the point is

that everything is on the computer. Now that

is my, the big drive, or everything that's on

the chip is in my brain. And what I want to bring

up, what I do is I type something in, if I want

like a Word doc, I bring in, I type in something,

a search, and then it comes up. So it comes out

of that big, all that information. So what I'm

doing is, when my brain is, my unconscious part

is the ROM, and then my conscious part is the

RAM. So I'm constantly bringing memories up from

my memory bank. To me, that is just, well, first

of all, that's basic psychology. I'm not a psychologist.

I don't have a degree in that, but this is just

knowledge that I have gotten from 25 years of

working. And so that was the first thing. So

the second thing is that these things that are

all tools, like you said, money and whatever

physical thing I have in my hand, the mind controls

the body. So what do I do with these things?

I could do something negative. I could do something

positive. I could use it. I could not use it.

So that's going to depend on me. So the mind

controls everything, every single thing. And

there is proof now that we have that the mind

controls diseases that we get, whether you're

depressed or not. I mean, there's there's so

many physical ailments, just that alone. that

is controlled by our minds. And that is what

is going to affect a lot of this that we're talking

about here today. I agree with that 100%. But

I would also add that the mind and the body,

it's one set of biochemical processes. So you

can't expect optimal brain performance when you

don't take care of what you feed it, how you

rest it. You can't improve anything unless people

get enough sleep. You can't improve anything

if people are dehydrated. You can't feed someone

garbage food and expect optimal performance,

whether physically, emotionally, or intellectually.

You just can't do it. And you have to see yourself

as somebody who takes care of herself. And that

for some people is a shift. Like they didn't

see it, they didn't experience it, and they didn't

see it modeled, and they have to aspire to it.

want it and you can see when people do it or

you can see when people make that shift because

all of a sudden something changes all of a sudden

they get something done and for me there are

so many times when I look back and I'm like why

am I resistant to that change because I don't

want to see myself as someone who did this and

it's hard it's really truly truly hard and sometimes

it's unpleasant like We're all going through

this moment in the country on politics and we

have been for the past 20 years and we've become

so divided as a country and why because Part

of our politics has been part of our personal

identity and that's kind of dangerous And so

it's very very very hard as it gets polarized

and more oppositional To say hey, wait a second.

I don't have to agree with this person Because

it it's like saying oh my god There's a part

of me that I have to let go of because there's

a belief here. That's that's difficult and It's

unfortunate. It's like that's the one thing that

I regret on all of that There's no reason for

us to not get along because we disagree on some

of the stuff. There's just no reason I don't

have to agree with everybody but when I look

at I Look at everything that I've been through.

I've had to shift how I see myself There have

been moments that I look back at that. I'm not

proud of But I've had to shift to see myself

and in order for me to give myself permission

to do what I've done It was like I saw during

the pandemic during the first time we got 42

appointments. I've never had that many appointments

in one week the second week I had 44 and these

were people who were making good money and they

were Financially just absolutely petrified. I

never want to see that degree of fear in my life

I've felt that fear before I've gone through

that being around that was just painful. I was

it was awful and so for me when I look at this,

it's like Responsibility is the flip side of

freedom everybody. I believe everybody was created

to be free which means response of all and if

you don't take responsibility for your health,

your emotional health, your financial health,

your social health, any of those key parts of

who you are, somebody else will. I don't want

that in somebody else's hands. I want that in

your hands. And in order for you to do that and

to have the courage to step into a role that

maybe you weren't encouraged to learn, let me

back up a little bit. We have a problem in this

country when it comes to money in that The industry

estimates that about 80 % of the American public

does not understand how to use the financial

system 80 % But this is not new it's been going

on for about four to five generation depending

on how you calculate this So people don't know

the system and then they go and they look for

somebody to help them and they're scared They're

feeling vulnerable. They're having an issue.

I spoke to a couple about a year ago They're

elderly and they needed to get some documents

done and they were really resisting an attorney's

effort to get them to move. So I was talking

to them and both of them had had bad experiences

with lawyers in the past. And one of them in

particular, both of them had grown up during

the depression and their families had been hit

hard by the depression. So they've got that programming.

Their adult experiences with attorneys was not

positive. They're going, why do we need to do

this? And I looked them in the eyes and I said,

ultimately it's about you. exercising control,

you saying what you want and what you don't want,

you actually giving a roadmap to your family

so that they can paint by the numbers and do

only what you want them to do. And people have

this sort of naive wish, which I'm a mom, I get

it. Oh, everything's going to be fine. They'll

work together. Well, the biggest gift you can

give them is the roadmap so that they know what

they need to do so that they don't fight so that

they You enable that by giving them structure.

And so the only way you shift the identity is

actually set the boundaries and create systems

around you that nudge you in the right direction.

And you can't do it overnight. You can't undo

years of programming in one night. You just can't

do it. The whole system collapses. Yes, I agree

with that. Also, another thing I noticed that

a lot of people are highly competent on the outside

while feeling unsettled on the inside. And the

gap between performance and steadiness often

shows up quietly, especially around money and

control, which was something that we talked about.

It's not a lack of intelligence or effort. It's

a lack of internal alignment. So think about

it this way. I remember I walked into a chamber

of commerce meeting. And I wound up talking to

one of the women there. She said, oh, I know

that this is a good financial advisor. Why? Because

this person who has money told me that they're

a good advisor. Well, how do you know that they

have money? Oh, I know that they have money.

How? And I got a little aggressive about this

for a reason. And she said, well, I know where

they live. I know what they drive. Have you ever

heard the phrase, all hat, no cattle? And that's

a phrase that was made popular in my head when

they were quoting in The Millionaire Next Door,

a multimillionaire down here in Texas. He said

that people who have money are usually not the

ones who flaunted. They're not the ones wearing

the labels. They don't care. They're not looking

for approval. They're not looking for you to

say this is a successful person. I have known

very successful professionals who spent all their

money on the appearance and the trappings of

wealth without actually building wealth. And

then the other pieces people forget. Income isn't

wealth you use income to build wealth and that

is a different process and it takes the adult

self -control to say you know what I value future

me as Much if not more than I value present me

present me is future me is not What do I need

to do to take care of future me and that's another

thing was like, you know You are valuable you

matter and your future you matters So I want

you to take care of future you and that that

also requires an identity shift that requires

a massive identity shift. No one should care

more about your outcome than you. So, yeah, so

a lot of that, too, I got out of that is building

self -esteem and do I build self -esteem from

the inside or from the outside? And wealth is

considered. To me, a lot of, yeah, it's considered

making a lot of money and having a lot of money

in the bank and being able to buy a nice car,

a nice house, but it means something different

to other people. Some people who are very, very

wealthy do not have nice cars and they have a

regular car and a regular house and you would

never know. You would never know that they have

like tons of money. And then the other thing

too is if you have money, does that make you

happy? We don't know that because it might not.

Am I happy on the inside? And that's building

self -esteem to me. So the way I look at this

and the transfer that I ask people to make is

I ask them to see money as the tool with which

you build your life. It's not positive. It's

not negative. It reflects your decisions. Even,

and I realize this, I'm facing some difficult

things I need to get done in the past next six

months or so. And I realized that I was making

some bad, impulsive decisions. Because I was

under stress and it was emotionally difficult

for me to make an identity shift. So I was reverting

back to some bad inherited habits. So it's a

lifetime journey of saying, all right, if I fall,

I'm going to get right back up. I'm going to

become aware and I'm going to make the shift

that I'm going to do what I need to do. But the

other pieces that when you understand that money

is nothing more than a tool with which to take

care of yourself. it allows you to say, yeah,

I'm gonna buy the nice house and yeah, I'm gonna

buy the nice car, but maybe I'll buy the nice

car and take care of it for the next eight years.

There are certain habits that the millionaire

next door demonstrates that people do. Yes, they

buy nice houses. Yes, they take care of them.

Part of having the nice house and having it stay

the nice house is that you take care of it. One

of the things that people who are financially

successful and build out well do is they They

take care of themselves. They take care of themselves

and it's it's not because they want approval

from anybody else. That's the whole question.

Are you doing it because you want other people's

approval or an acknowledgement? Are you doing

it because you're looking for status? You're

looking for acceptance. You're looking for is

you're filling some other need or you doing it

because you value yourself. And if you value

yourself, it's a hell of a lot easier to sustain

me. Ultimately, if I walk in to a room. I want

the people who are there for me to want me because

of me, not because of how I'm dressed. That doesn't

mean I don't want to be appropriate for whoever

I am, if that makes sense. Yeah, I agree 100

% with that. Going in another direction, talking

about planning and positive things that we can

do for ourselves, which is what we're talking

about here. Eventually, planning loses its power.

Because when I plan, right? Why am I planning?

What am I planning for? And then action, which

is part of the planning, only becomes possible

when it's rooted in self -trust, not urgency,

pressure, or fear of falling behind. Without

that internal grounding, even the best plans

tend to stall. Absolutely. So here's the thing.

Have you ever written out a bunch of New Year's

resolutions? Have you ever had a plan for the

New Year's resolutions? How long did you stay

on the plan for the New Year's resolutions? Two

weeks? Got it. You did better than the average

American. The average American doesn't make a

past January 9th, I believe is National Quitting

Day. So we talk about goals and we talk about

them the wrong way. And the science shows this.

It's kind of funny. It's like, all right. You're

going to only sustain the action if you believe

this is the person you are meant to be and that

you are coming now we didn't talk about this

before but. The mind is not there to make you

happy the mind is there to keep you alive and

the mind is a phenomenal prediction machine based

on prior behavior and prior observation so your

subconscious is not gonna let you feel confident

until they believe you're actually doing it.

So how do you build it. You have to build evidence

that the subconscious will accept. So one of

the things that I will say to people is I have

a bunch of whiteboard dry erase boards, calendar

boards, and I will put it in there and I will

put in, I did this, I did this, whatever the

goals are, like whatever the, whether it's prayer,

whether it's exercise, whether it's journaling,

and I'll put it down so that I can see that I

got it done on that day. And it's right there.

If I'm looking at change on my money, I had one

client tell me that many years ago he got himself

into credit card debt and he got himself into

a problem where his credit was absolutely in

the sewer and makes a lot of money. So he turned

around and what he did was every morning the

first thing he did when he got up was he logged

online and he checked his bank accounts. Where

were they? He knew when each bill was going out,

he set it up on automatic payment and he mentally

grounded himself about his finances by looking

at it every day. And initially that wasn't pleasant

because the numbers were not good, but they didn't

get better until he focused on them as painful

as they were and he embraced the sock to do it.

So he created that system and that pattern and

he said he still gets up every morning and he

starts that way. And because of him, I set it

up so that I have a calendar that shows up like

on my wall as I walk out of my bedroom, you can

see this is when this is going out. This is when

this is going out. And that way I know and I

see it. And it makes me stop and look and say,

hey, I need to make sure there's enough money

in that account to make sure that that gets paid.

So it's really just a question of knowing yourself

and the more you do it the more your subconscious

accepts Hey, this is who this person is. This

is who I am so if you give charity and you set

this up on a regular basis and say I'm a charitable

person and You see yourself doing it and you

automate it and you acknowledge it. You say hey,

I did it. I got it done It's easier for your

subconscious to believe you And then the other

piece that I do is, and this is something that

I walk through with people, is it's very difficult

to overcome fear when you're, when you have legitimate

fears about getting knocked off track. So the

first thing I do with people while we're working

on the emotional pieces is I take them through

and we build what I call defenses. So imagine

you're on a path and what we're doing is we're

setting up guardrails so that you can't get knocked

off the path. She may get knocked down or you

may slow down and you may stop, but you're not

going to get knocked off. So I think of that

like, what's the old phrase about resilience?

What's resilience? You get knocked down five

times, you get back up six. So by doing that,

you build in resilience, you build up defenses

and we talk about what those defenses are. And

then once you know, you have those defenses.

And you have some of the emotional groundwork

of, hey, I've got some wins here. I've done this.

I can start taking on the bigger ones. We start

taking them on one at a time and build up what

we call adversity quotient. So dopamine is our

goal acquisition chemical. It makes it possible

for us to do hard things. And the more hard things

we do, legitimately do, you can't lie to your

subconscious. the more hard things we can do.

The dopamine resets at a higher level. That's

part of the reason why gambling and some of the

other things like promiscuity, porn, all that

other stuff, what it does is it resets your dopamine

lower. So you feel worse at the end of the day.

And that's what that addiction thing is. So when

you want to feel better and more confident, By

building up your adversity quotient, taking on

the hard stuff, whether it's taking on the credit

card debt, whether it's building up the emergency

fund, whether it's, oh my goodness, I don't want

to work forever. How do I start saving for retirement?

I once saw a couple many years ago, they were

working with another advisor and I was new to

the industry and they let me sit in. And they,

in their 50s, in their early 50s, realized they

were in debt up to their eyeballs. Their last

child graduated from college. They said, you're

on your own for grad school. And they said, oh

my God, we don't have enough money for retirement.

So they redid their lifestyle. She went back

to work. They saved one income. They lived off

the other while also increasing his retirement

savings. And they cut back their spending. And

what happened was, and they invested. pretty

intelligently, they wound up 12 years later in

a position where they could retire comfortably.

So you can turn it around. You have to decide

that you want to turn it around. Conversely,

I know somebody who in his late 40s wound up

in the 70s. He was an architect and he started

a business with a business partner, partner developed

a gambling problem. And this was way back when,

when they didn't have the limited liability company,

you had partnerships. and your personal debts

became the partner's debts. And the partner's

debts from gambling took both of them down and

took the business down. So he wound up getting

divorced, wound up having to go through bankruptcy,

came out of that, rebuilt and retired comfortably.

He has succeeded. Everybody gets knocked down.

The question is, how quickly do you get back

up? Do you learn from it? And how strong do you

allow yourself to become? Yeah thank you for

that so these are all very good suggestions examples

things that we're talking about here but. These

things will eventually make me positive and that

will change my life completely change my life

totally around. But how do I get there? And some

of these different examples and stuff that you're

talking about is how you're going to get there.

But I need a solid plan about exactly how to

do this because I could say, let's do this and

this. But how is the person going to know exactly

how to get to that point? Because that is a process.

So first I do A. How do I get to C? First I do

A and B. I don't go from A to C. So another thing

that I teach is not only that, but what is my

goal? What is my ultimate goal in life? What

do I want to succeed? What is my goals and dreams?

Where do I want to get to? So I'm here and I

want to get to there. So maybe I'm a housewife.

And i want to get like a part time job and i've

never worked before never so that's a whole process.

to get from a housewife just to get to a part

-time job or even maybe I want to have a child

and I just got married I never had children before

that's a whole process so this is the thing so

how do I want to go into that do I want and this

is a question for the listener or whatever I

mean we can answer but the point is that I like

to leave things with questions because that way

it kind of gets the listener to really think

about what we're talking about here Because the

solutions are in this discussion, what we're

talking about. So now I want to know, how do

I get to these places? And like I said, that's

a process. But do I want to go through this process?

Do I have the willingness to understand that

I really want to get there? Or am I going to

get there on my own and jump into it and not

know what's going to happen and just push the

process forward? And then when that happens,

we don't know what's going to happen. We don't

know what the result is going to be because there's

no preparation. There's no understanding of the

process. There's nobody helping me that has the

experience and everything. So I'm just going

to push forward and I've never done this before

and I don't ask nobody. And we don't know what's

going to happen. People do this all the time

and then they fail. And then they say, oh, I

failed at that. I'm no good. Let's try something

else. They do the same thing over. They do the

same thing again. And then they say, oh, I failed.

Let's try something else. And then, oh, I'm no

good at anything. I'm not going to accomplish

anything in my life. And that's going to be the

end of the discussion. And this stuff I hear

all the time. And I know I hear it. And I hear

it all the time. And it drives me a little bit

crazy. And my usual response to that is, so are

you willing to accept your inevitable road into

despair? Do you really just want to live? Do

you really want to be where you are? Is being

where you are, being stuck where you are, good

enough for you that you are willing to stay there?

And one of the things that i do with people and

it's funny that you mention this is i'll look

at people say okay she you don't think you can

handle this because up until now you haven't

been able to. Why and i'll start with the beliefs

because identity creates beliefs which shape

your emotions which then create your thoughts

and your actions and it becomes a biofeedback

loop. So to get out of the loop, let's identify

what went wrong with that identity, that OS that

was given to you. And I don't think there's any

malice from the people that gave it to you. Maybe

there was, but let's assume there wasn't. Maybe

it reflected their lived experience. Maybe it

reflected their exposure. Maybe it reflected

just a combination of things. So we don't have

to be negative about the people who gave it to

you, but whatever it is, you need to decide whether

it's serving you or not. And if you look at it,

you say, you know what, I really hate this about

me. Do you hate it enough to look it in the eyes

and say, I'm ashamed of it and I'm never going

back to it. And I don't have to live like that.

There's nothing morally valuable in living like

that. You were not meant to sit there and suffer

and then fail and think it's inevitable. I guess

we're supposed to refine ourselves. Like I think

we're supposed to strive to be better. It's not

gonna be an overnight thing and it's okay when

you fall as long as you learn somebody once said

to me I play to win and if I don't win I Learn

and then I get up and I play again and I win

so I always win So as long as there's still life

as long as you don't quit So maybe path a didn't

work or maybe you weren't prepared for path a

what about path B C and D? Just because road

a doesn't work doesn't mean you change the destination

It means you change either yourself your tools

your companions or your path or sometimes it's

a combination I am with you. I'm so with you,

but I just sort of I get a little frustrated

with this too And when I start with people we

start with the mindset What is that OS and where

is it not serving you and then we talk about

the antidote? And that's sort of a workshop where

it's like, look, this is the millionaire narc

store. These are the antidotes to the inherited

belief systems, the archetypes that you inherited.

And you get to decide what you keep and what

you leave by the wayside. I said to somebody

a long time ago, we were talking, and I said,

sometimes you need to tell the six -year -old

version of you lovingly. But hey, I appreciate

what you're trying to do, but you're not in charge

today. And what I really mean by that is your

program, that's what you were given at six, if

you succeed in other areas of your life, but

you haven't succeeded here, the adult you is

in charge in those other areas. Let's take the

adult you and put the adult you in charge of

the money, teach you the system to make it work

for you, and then let you figure out how you

wanna make it work for you. Think people need

to give themselves permission to succeed and

so many people think it's it's There's virtue

in not there's virtue in staying stuck that they

don't deserve it you need to forgive yourself

for your mistakes and Allow yourself to do better.

Yes agreed and this was an Excellent excellent

excellent conversation. I hope somebody Somebody

out there got something out of it And these will

land as reflections, not directives. And they

leave Monica complete freedom to enter the conversation

where it feels most real to her. This conversation

is a reminder that real change doesn't announce

itself loudly. It often derives quietly through

awareness, discomfort, and the courage to stop

pretending we're fine when something inside has

already shifted. What i think people also need

to do is when they feel that sense that something

is shifting inside. Look very carefully at the

people around you and say do these people want

me to succeed or do these people have a conception

of me where they feel better about me if i stay

where i am you don't. Overshare you need to do

it very quietly and share very carefully Because

when you change a dance your dance partner is

going to want you to change back and it will

take being very intentional to decide Who has

the right to still be your dance partner? I mean

there are people that are no longer a part of

my life Because I made changes that I had to

make that I wanted to make You don't have to

make a big deal. It's not open for discussion.

It's not an argument It's just who I was becoming

who I am becoming and then when I see myself

differently inside I see myself differently outside.

So it's all perspective. Everything is perspective

I could say your shirt is black and then you

say no my shirt is blue, but I see it as black

So so that's the thing and everything this is

everything that you're talking about this is

really a good way to sum it up because if I want

to do something and I have a goal or whatever,

I want to achieve it. And we talked about how

do we get there? And these are all the different

ways and stuff that we get there. But the result

is going to be, how is it going to work out?

How is the end result? What is the end result

really going to be? and I could think about that,

I could plan that, and that is ultimately gonna

be part of my process. But to me, when something

shifts, literally, is when my mind does a shift,

I can really feel that part of that process working.

Whether it's moving forward, or moving backward,

because I'm a human being, I go forward and backward,

I'm not a perfect person. But when I feel that,

I know that it's working and people a lot of

times can see it before I see it. So I think

that they should tell me. I should ask them.

I'm helping myself do something. Tell me if you

see it before me. Tell me how I'm doing. Let

me know. Then I could really be like, oh, I'm

really, really doing something good for myself.

But if I can feel that, then that's like a no

brainer. That's what's happening. And one of

the things that I'm learning to do is to trust

in myself enough That I don't I want to give

myself permission I'm accountable at the end

of the day to God for my behavior and I care

about the people around me and I do not want

to hurt them and I'm accountable to them, but

ultimately I can't subcontract out my self -worth

to anybody else There's a limit there. There's

a boundary that I am with you. I'm I you you

really have to feel like the people around you

see and appreciate the changes you're making.

Yes, definitely. And your perspective speaks

to anyone who looks capable on the outside, but

knows this unfinished internal work asking for

attention. I mean, that's we've talked about

this the whole entire time. I mean, this is just

one thing that everything on this podcast can

help us with that, whether we think it's we want

to change or whatever. If today's conversation

resonated with you, you can learn more about

Monica's work at HarmonyWealthAcademy .com. And

as always, take what landed, leave what didn't,

and trust that internal clarity arrives on its

own timeline. Sometimes the most powerful shift

is simply being willing to pause and listen.

That's awesome. Thank you, Monica. Thank you

for being on the show. I really appreciate it.

Thank you for having me, and I've really enjoyed

this. I wish everybody the best of luck.