Nikki Allen: Breaking Patterns

Welcome to the Internal Shift Show. I'm Debbie

Longo, Transformational Coach. This show explores

how the way we think, decide, and respond internally

influences where we end up over time. Today's

conversation draws on real experience and expertise

to look at how small internal shifts can change

direction, momentum, and outcome. We have a very

special guest today, Nikki Allen. Good afternoon,

Nikki. Welcome to the show. Thank you so much,

Debbie, for having me. Thank you for being here.

I'm gonna ask you to tell your story and explain

a traumatic experience or a life change experience

or whatever you had in your life that whatever

happened that you were able to go through a process

and you came out the other side and that end

result should always be positive. And I do this

show for a few different reasons. And one reason

is because everybody has their own individual

story. And there is something that a listener

can identify with in your story, whatever that

is. And now they could see that you went through

a process and now you feel better than you did.

And you went from a negative to a positive, whereas

some people might not see that. They might not

know that. And some people just might not know

how to get through that. One of the things that

we're trying to do is get people to from being

stuck in whatever it is that they're whatever

their situation is from being stuck to being

more positive or being in a way that their life

is going to be so much easier rather than the

way that they work. So if you could start with

telling your story, I would appreciate it. Thank

you. Absolutely. So one of my stories that I'm

going to share with you is I was in a toxic relationship

many, many years ago. It was quite abusive emotionally,

physically. And I was stuck. And it was interesting

because I've always had a very strong personality.

So people couldn't believe that Nikki was actually

in this relationship. So I had to it wasn't until

a friend who I was confiding in almost daily

at lunch. He did this yesterday. This was what

happened. She finally said to me, I sympathize

with you. I hear you, but I'm hearing the same

story every day. I give you advice. You don't

listen to it. You come back with the same thing.

So respectfully, I don't want to hear about this

anymore because you are not ready to leave. I

didn't leave right then, but it did spark the

light bulb went off like, hey, yeah, I am saying

the same thing. He is doing the same thing. Nikki,

why are you still here? That's when I did what

I call now soul surgery. Like what is making

me stay here because people only treat you the

way you allow them to treat you. So I had to

understand why am I allowing this person to treat

me this way. And when I started going through

it, I realized That was at a point I had just

lost my mom, my main supporter, my everything.

I was new to LA, and I only had him and this

one friend, and I really gravitated towards him.

And that was, we weren't mature, we were in our

20s, so we weren't even mature enough to handle

that kind of relationship. I know us 20s, we

think we know everything, but we're just starting

life so you don't really know as much as you

think you do. And so it went on. for at least

seven years before I was able to just really

finally say I'm done. And what really did it

was the last fight because I would fight him

back. We put each other in the hospital and I'm

like, this cannot go on. He was like, this can't

go on. So that was the turning point for me.

Through that, after that, I'm a singer -songwriter.

First and foremost, I'm also a screenplay writer,

now author. So... I turned that story into a

song called Love You, Hated You, which was on

my first album. And the lyrics are, I loved you,

I hated you, and now I'm releasing you because

I had to go through that entire process. And

then after that, I turned it into a screenplay.

And then I turned the screenplay into a book,

which has all been quite cathartic and moving

past that. And here we are two, three decades

later. And I'm in a positive relationship And

I still see remnants of, I get triggers. And

I didn't even realize they were still there.

So it's always healing going on. There's always

things to go, okay, I didn't heal that part.

So it takes time, but it can be done. That was

good, thank you. So when you were going through

your process and you were in the abusive situation

and your friends or whoever was telling you,

you should get out. How did you feel? during

that part of your process? Well, at that very

moment, I wasn't strong enough to leave. I knew

I should. I knew I wanted to. But we have this

vague idea of what that love should be. And so

I was just holding on to that because when he

was good, he was great. And I think so many of

us get caught up in... the moments that they're

good and great and not the reality of the actual

relationship being toxic and toxic. And so it

was almost devastating and unbearable at that

time to think that I would have to live life

without him. But that is really what I thought.

So how did you feel when you left? And did you

know that you had to leave? When did that happen

exactly? And when did you make the commitment

to yourself or make the decision or whatever

that you had to leave? And how did you feel about

that? What was that part of that process? Well,

like I said, it was the last fight when we were

in the hospital where I'm like, I can't continue

like this. And I want to say we were probably

three or four years in at that point, but the

relationship still wasn't quite over. I think

it wasn't until maybe seven years after that.

And mind you, we weren't together, but you have

those comebacks that I go into another relationship,

he go into another relationship, that didn't

work and we'd come back together. So we had that

cycle going after the original breakup. And if

I'm honest, my son is 18 years old. And the last

time I saw him, my son was probably a few months

old. He had moved to another state. I was going

through a divorce. He was going through a divorce.

And ironically, decades later, we're still trying

to come together. And so that was the last time

I saw him. It's not the last time I heard from

him. But if I'm honest, It wasn't until very

recently, when I say recently, in recent years

that I've been with my my new guy, that I'm like,

you know what, there's no need for us to have

any type of relationship at this point. Like,

what for? You were never good to me. I was always

good to you. You weren't good to me. And our

conversations aren't about anything. So we can

we can let this go. But he's still very much

like my Facebook. Facebook page liking things,

that kind of thing. So everybody's story is different

and we want that cut and dry. It's over. I walked

out and it was done. That's not everybody's story.

Sometimes it's a slow burn. And I think for me,

it was more of a slow burn and particularly because

we were young and immature. So we were able to

actually build a friendship. as well throughout

the years as things started to shift, which is

why if somebody's going, why did she go back

after all those years? Because we did form a

friendship. But at this point, like I'm in a

great relationship. I don't need that kind of

friendship flirting and talk. And it was very

innocent, but just let it go. But it took a long

time for me to get to that. This was three decades

ago that this initial relationship started. So,

you know. Yeah, that was good. Thank you. I appreciate

that. I believe that we all have different paths

that we go on, and I choose that path based on

a lot of different reasons. People can present

new opportunities to me. Sometimes I need to

go through something in my life and learn a lesson,

or I need to know that I cannot stay in this

mindset anymore. So there's all different reasons

why we have different opportunities and different

paths to go on. But here's the thing. I all human

beings have the ability to think for themselves

and make decisions for themselves. We're not

robots. So now I can choose a path of. depression,

a path of negativity, a path of making a mistake,

a path of denial, fear, all these different things

are things that control me. Now, are they going

to bring me to a positive path or a negative

path? And sometimes I don't see that. And this

is another thing, too. This is a lot of things

when I teach people. These are all the different

types of things that I explain. Like I said,

one of the reasons why I do this podcast is so

people can identify. But not only that, to explain

that there are all different types of processes.

So this is a way that coaching and stuff is going

to help them. I'm not trying to sell myself.

What it's about is the way that I explained it

in the beginning of the podcast. Even if i something's

presented to me and i decide not to do that like

we're talking about here your abuse and this

is extremely common and we can think of hundreds

of things that where people abuse other people

tons and tons but this is what we're talking

about here something specific but even if. I

don't take that advice or choose that path at

that time, right? Then what's gonna happen? Then

I'm gonna sit in the negativity until what happens

then? Another opportunity comes up to change

or to go on a different path. And then I say

no. And then I sit in it again and then what

happens again? Then another opportunity comes

up to do something different, to get out of that.

Now I say yes, because I'm gonna do it now. Whereas

before, those other two times, I wasn't ready.

And that's all there is to it. And for whatever

reason was the reason, whatever, we could sit

here and think of a million reasons. That's why

I'm asking you, and you did a great job of explaining

how you, and I ask every guest this, how do you

feel during your process? What was the events,

right, that you had to go through to get through

the process, different things like that? Because

now, somebody, and like I said, this is very

common, abuse or spouse abuse, or however that

person's gonna identify it, they're gonna see

that because it's easy to be stuck in this. The

person that's abusing me is the breadwinner.

They make the money. I can't get a job. I need

a place to live. I need money. I need to have

a car. The person that's abusing me, it could

even be a parent, doesn't matter. The person

that's abusing me is now controlling me and giving

me a car, giving me a place to live. All these

different things are saying, oh, you don't have

to pay because we're in a relationship. Different

things like that. I'm just thinking of one example.

So these are a lot of things, but now. If I can

see that I don't have to have that life, now

I can have a totally different life. Just like

the story that you explained, because now you

went to a totally different life. Because how

is your life now? Is it the same as it was before?

I don't think so, because because you just talked

about being a singer, songwriter, author, all

these different things. Were you that then? Was

actually, though. I was in the middle of my career

and he was actually very supportive of it, but

he just didn't treat me well. Were you successful

then as you are now? Were you happy then as you

are now? And that's what we're trying to explain

here about the process. I was happy with my career,

but I was not happy in that relationship. And

at that point in time, I was fighting with putting

him first or me first. Now, the difference between

that time and this time, when you say different

life, I know how to set boundaries. I know that

I put me first before everyone because I look

at it like this. When you get on an airplane

and they go through the whole, if we have an

emergency situation, they tell you, if the oxygen

masks deploy, take care of yourself first so

that you are then able to take care of somebody

else. And so In that, I am so much happier because

I am taking care of me and anyone else is just

frosting on the top. But I am responsible for

me and my happiness. And how is your life now

with all of these things that we just talked

about? You said you were doing the singer and

the songwriter and all these different things

right at that time. but how is it different now

than it was? Is it more fulfilled? Are you happier?

Are you getting more accomplished? Different

things like that. And we're just talking about

this one thing, but how do you feel today based

on everything that we just talked about, the

whole podcast? I'm happy as happy can be, but

I'm happy as happy can be because I just fell

in love with myself and I realized that being

in love with me exudes a certain light. And so

I'm now only attracting people that fulfill me.

People that have a vibrate low or negative energy,

they don't even come my way because I don't think

it's this invisible wall of goodness. And if

you don't have it, you can't cross that boundary.

And I'm very good. at setting boundaries. So

that's why I'm happy. I love me. I love what

I've established for myself. My career has been

my career. It's been good. It's been great. It's

had its ups. It's had its downs, but that has

always been solid and I don't let that define

me. It's me. It's just me. So now that I'm in

love with myself in the best way possible, everything

is illuminated and great grandeur, you know,

better than before, but not because My career

has really changed. It's me. It's just me loving

me. And when I am positive, so you just explained

the process of going from negative to positive.

So when I'm positive, I'm constantly spilling

out positive energy. And what happens? Well,

what goes around comes around. What you put out

comes back. You only get out of life what you

put in. That's my saying. You only get out of

life what you put in. So now I get the positive

back. I spill out negativity. I'm in an abusive

situation. I'm unhappy. I'm crying. Whatever

it is, I'm depressed. That's what I'm going to

give out. And that's what I'm going to get back.

I'm going to get people who are depressed. If

I'm depressed, I'm spilling out depressed energy.

I'm going to meet people who are also depressed.

That's how it works. That's based on we're like

balls of energy, just like walking around. And

that's based on the energy that I put out. That's

why the main thing I do this in a hundred different

ways and I normally don't say it at first. But

the main thing is what that's going to get when

I help people or anybody can help anybody do

anything is they're really changing from negative

to positive. It's that simple. And when I do

that, my life changes. Well, the reason why my

life changes is now positive. So now I'm completely

different person. And not only am I putting out

the positive energy, but my mindset is completely

different now. That's all because of going from

negative to positive. That's all that it is.

It's a very simple thing. But the process like

you explained your process, I spend a lot of

time fighting with myself and being in denial

and saying, justifying and saying it's no big

deal. He pays the bills and all these different

things. I need a place to live. And this is all

ways that I'm fighting with myself. But if I'm

presented opportunities, now it's a whole different

ball game because I can see that there are ways

out of the situation. I can see that I don't

have to be this way anymore. And you saw that

it didn't happen at first. And that's because

to tell you the truth, most of the time it doesn't.

You know what I mean? Because that's part of

your process right off. Like congratulations

to you, because that's not typical, actually.

No, it really to me in my experience is it really

happens. And that's really the bottom line. And

there's nothing wrong with that. But again, you

saw the opportunity eventually and you took it.

And these are the stories that we want to talk

about in this podcast. Why is that? Not only

people could see there's a way out of their abuser

or whatever, but now somebody is giving them

an opportunity My guest on my show is giving

the person an opportunity now to do something

different and to show That they don't have to

be in that situation anymore So not only is my

guest telling the story. They are literally giving

them an opportunity now they might hear the show,

it's going to end, they're going to go to their

job, right, like you did, and their boss is going

to say, do you want, maybe they talk about something

or whatever, and the boss is going to say, do

you want to talk to somebody, talk to a professional

or something like that, whatever the situation

is. So they're giving, they now presented an

opportunity. So they hear the show. They hear

the guests talk about something positive, how

they got through it. Now the opportunity is presented.

So now as I go through this process, I'm changing

my mindset. My mindset's completely changing,

completely changing. And then I'm presented with

the opportunity. My boss says, do you want to

talk to a professional or something? And then

I say, no, thank you. I don't really need that.

And then the whole process starts all over again

with the different people. in different situations.

And this is the whole thing. So this is why these

things are very, very important because people

don't know. They don't understand. They just

don't. They don't. It's not their fault. They

don't know. And we're not saying sometimes we're

just wired that way, especially if you come from.

I didn't come from this, but. There are people

that come from abusive families. That is their

roadmap, their blueprint. So to say that's not,

they really have to work through that because

it's ingrained. Like this is how it goes until

they finally go, I don't think this is really

how this is supposed to go, but it is, it's a

mindset and a boundary set and a self -love set.

Yeah, you really have to. acquire those and give

yourself some grace if it doesn't come easily.

And this was very, very, very good. Is there

anything you would like to say in closing? No,

I just wish everybody to live their absolute

best life and give yourself grace when you mess

up. It happens. It's life and it's part of your

journey because one day maybe you will be sitting

on her podcast talking about your journey. Exactly.

Thank you very much. I appreciate it. So as we

close, this conversation is a reminder that progress

really comes from one big decision, but from

the internal choices we repeat. If something

from today's discussion connected with you, take

a moment to notice how those internal choices

show up in your own life. This has been the Internal

Shift Show. Thank you for listening and thank

you, Nikki, for being on the show. I really appreciate

it.