Sheryl Hauk: Finding Your Voice

Welcome to the Internal Shift Show. I'm Debbie

Longo, Transformational Coach. This show explores

how the way we think, decide, and respond internally

influences where we end up over time. Today's

conversation draws on real experience and expertise

to look at how small internal shifts can change

direction, momentum, and outcomes. We have a

very special guest today, Cheryl Hawke. Good

afternoon, Cheryl. Welcome to the show. It's

really good to be here. Thank you for inviting

me. Thank you for being here. Am going to ask

you to tell your story and point out a traumatic

experience or just some type of life -changing

experience that you've had during your life and

the process and how exactly you got through it

and what was the end result of the that whole

entire process right from beginning to end and

That should always be a positive hopefully One

of the reasons why I do this is because there

are people out there. Everybody has their own

individual story, but everybody can relate to

something that other people are saying. So that

hopefully, if a listener listens to this, that

will hopefully open the door to get them to say,

oh, I'm feeling this way. But I'm just curious,

how did this person get through this same exact

situation I'm in or similar situation? And either

they're curious or they really want to be able

to change. They really know that they really

need to do something. So whatever the reason

is, right, which is how they're going to identify

it, that's going to get them hopefully to listen

to the podcast. And then they're going to see

the listener will see. that whatever problem

they have, we're explaining how to get through

the other side, that there's a way out, that

they don't have to sit in that sick and suffering

for the rest of their lives. Because they either

know or they don't know. And if I don't know

something, hindsight is 20 -20. So if I don't

know something, how am I going to know how to

get through that? So this is mainly just the

space where not only can they be educated, but

it's just a matter of being open to know that

maybe, maybe I want to do something about my

problem or issue or whatever it is. So if you

could do that, I would appreciate it. Thank you.

I was a victim of childhood trauma, mentally,

physically, sexually abused from before birth.

It was planned until I was 18 years old. So I

was growing up in a situation that looked beautiful.

That wasn't, and I had to stay silent until I

was an adult and I could do something about it.

But I want to tell a story. I have a son, I have

four children, but I have a son who had a tumor

the size of a softball in his skull when he was

nine years old. I'd been through trauma myself

and put it behind me and thought, I'm a successful

choral director, I'm a successful mom. and this

was a huge tumor in his skull. We found out because

his nose was bleeding and the regular doctor

said, let's take his tonsils out. We're sitting

there writing graduation invitations and the

doctor says, I'm into the little room. My husband

had gone to get coffee and I go into the little

room and he pats himself on the shoulder and

said, you know what, your child didn't die today

because I didn't cut into the tumor, which he

should have looked at when we were in the office.

Yes. Long story short, we went and my son had

24 hours of surgery at University of Michigan

Hospital and we came back. Needless to say, my

son would build Legos for years while he was

dying. It's like putting a frog in water and

turning it on and let it boil. He was boiling

and he would build these elaborate Legos and

he gets through his 24 hours of surgery and ICU

and we come home and of course I'm trying to

keep it together because I've been through trauma.

We know one through five girls in the United

States have been through similar trauma and keep

it quiet and I decide to clean. And so I pick

up the Millennium Falcon and then a dust underneath

and I drop it and it shatters to the ground.

And I think, oh, well, how can I tell this son

who's just had his head open for 24 hours and

survived that I dropped his precious Lego in

a turnaround and in the doorway is my son, nine

years old. And he says, that's okay, mommy, we'll

just make something new. And that was a major

time that I pivoted. Whoa, this was. Life is

falling apart. I always thought adulthood was

going to be wonderful because childhood wasn't.

It was filled with trauma. I worked really hard

at that. All of a sudden, something happened

with my son I didn't expect. Yet this little

boy taught me how to just take the pieces and

try to put all of that back together. That was

the beginning or the pivot of me trying to do

that. Not just in my life, but in the classroom

because I was a choral teacher. How do I make

the community and how do I? not just teach music,

but teach how to put those pieces back together.

So fast forward, I'm about 50 years old and I

am trying all the time to put these pieces back

together and I go back to my home in Hawaii and

some lawyer comes to me and says, we know your

story. Well, that was a surprise because I kept

it silent for so long. We think that you could

help others by changing the laws in the state

of Hawaii if you just Sue your abuser and tell

your story. Well, I never told my story. I tried

to live and put those pieces back together and

tried to move on without a voice. And I went

home to Michigan and I thought about it for four

months and I had a book club and we had read

a book about... children who were made to be

spare parts. And I got really upset. And I explained

this in my book. I just got triggered. What do

you mean? All children are worth saving. And

I decided it's now time. I'm going to call that

lawyer. And so I can't say that it happened right

away. As time went on, I sued my abuser. I won.

took it to the Hawaii State Legislature. I had

to get in front of these people and tell my story

that I really didn't want to tell, and then help

change some laws, continuing to try to do that,

wrote a book to try to advocate, and at the same

time advocating for myself by having identified

what my triggers are at work and saying to work,

hey, I have an invisible disability and let's

write a 504 so that I can be a better worker

for you. If you don't know what that is, it's

a federal... protection of disabilities and usually

you'd see it a disability oh they can't walk

or they're blind but we have disabilities of

children with trauma and I have triggers which

didn't always make me the best communicator with

adults because I would get triggered when adults

behaved badly and so how do we in that workplace,

set up a system, give our voice so that we can

have the best environment to work and to live

in. So that's my story really, really fast. Do

I have all the answers? No. But as I find my

voice, I want everyone out there to know who've

been impacted by childhood trauma, that whether

it's talking to you on a podcast, writing a book,

or just to yourself saying, hey, this happened

to me, but I'm a survivor. I'm not a victim.

Look at what I've done with my life and and look

at I'm still here. We know that 80 % of the people

who've been through what I've been through either

kill themselves through suicide or through self

-medication with drugs and alcohol. And there's

just so many better ways. And I have four grown

children, and I'm going to have my fifth grandchild

in May. I've taught over 12 ,000 students. and

helped empower young women to go out and help

other young women like Ryan Destiny, Casey Brown,

all really successful young women in entertainment

and the business world that now my message goes

through them as well. So that's kind of my story,

Debbie, in a short synopsis. It's longer and

funnier in a book. Very good. How did you feel?

When you were going through the process of suing

your abuser and When you actually did that when

you went and you went to court and whatever your

process was how did you feel when you were going

through that only because of Did you feel a certain

way and then you felt better after? Well, I I'm

gonna my abuser was my own father. So I and he

was very powerful He was a naval officer and

retired naval officer, had a lot of power. I

was scared. I've got to tell you, I was really,

really scared. And I think working with so many

children and having a different focus, it took

seven years though. And it took two judges and

all kinds of things. Again, I tell it in my story.

But I kept saying to him, and I didn't talk to

him for 40 years, but I'd have to see him in

court. And I would say, this is not about me

taking your money. This is about accountability

and setting precedence for all of the people

like you that causes trauma that we have to silently

have. I have five neurological conditions because

of the cortisol that was running through my body.

I have to maintain that for 45 years. Those were

totally unnecessary. And so was it easy? No.

But I focused on this isn't about me. This is

about all of the voices and all of these people

who can't find their voice. So it wasn't easy

and it still isn't. I'm going to say it still

isn't because as we know with all the things

that are going on right now in the United States,

people don't want to hear about it. They want

it to be in the back room. They want to move

on and I wanted to move on for 50 years. So it

was hard. Yeah, that was good. Thank you. So

you were saying the process was seven years.

So you're saying you felt scared and stuff in

the beginning. So how all through it. Yeah. So

how did you feel or not only how you felt, what

were you doing or however you can identify that

process from when you first decided to I'm assuming

you won. So when you write when you first decided

to sue him up until the end, did you feel better

at the end? Did you feel like you accomplished

something? What I did. But there were two incidents

that really it was almost like a greater power.

One day I. I had to fly to Hawaii, which is a

10 -hour flight, and then turn around and come

back. And so I flew to Hawaii, I went to court,

and the judge was surprised to see me. Why are

you here? And it just wasn't a really great day

after I'd flown. So my girlfriend took me to

the North Shore in Hawaii, and it was raining,

and no one was there. And I get in the water,

and I see a shadow, and I think it's a shark.

And I take a double look, and right there is

a Honua, a sea turtle. Probably we figure about

80 to 100 years old. Oh, that's really cool.

Except for he where she followed me for 45 minutes

and I could see everything of the whole new.

And when I finally left because my girlfriend

standing over with purse. designer purse over

her head and she's getting it ruined. He followed

me into shore and I turned around and he looked

up and looked me straight in the eye and I just

thought this feeling like it's going to be okay.

Just have strength and patience and at the time

I didn't realize that that's what sea turtles.

Honu stand for is strength and patience. Just

have strength and patience and it'll be. So that

was the first situation that really, really gave

me some strength to get through it. And then

the second one is when we settled, my father

didn't want to pay, didn't want to pay, didn't

want to pay. And the judge said, you have to

pay on this date. Well, it happened to be Yom

Kippur, which is the day of atonement. And the

judge said, I don't care. You have to do it on

this day. And he's like, well, but I can't. And

the judge said, well, fine. Then I'll charge

you 10 % every day. So of course, he pays on

the day of atonement. So I wear a bracelet that

has in Hawaiian the word atonement to remind

me, yes, in the end, there was some atonement.

I don't believe that happened by accident, either

one of those two things. So that's where I found

my strength in those years. Very good. I really

like it. So then I went on to testify in front

of legislation, which was another many, many

years and a lot of politics of, oh, it's going

to pass. quietly goes away, and then it's going

to pass again. And we finally passed a bill a

year ago with the governor, but it was a compromise,

like so many other laws and bills. And so it's

been a long process to get brave. But those moments,

so I'm growing every time I have these instances.

decided to retire as a choral director. I took

my students to the Capitol to sing. I was invited.

They sang a beautiful song called Earth Song

in Coalwood, the House of Representatives, just

echoing beautiful sound. And when we were done,

one of the legislators ran up to me and said,

do you know that your bill is upstairs in the

finance committee? And you should go up there

right now. And my kid's shirt, my student shirt

said, let your voice be heard. That was our theme

for the year. And so five of them went with me

upstairs as I testified and they had their shirts,

let my voice be heard. And that moment was like,

okay, now I'm doing the wrong right thing. Now

I'm pivoted towards Light. So it's these experiences

and identifying the good in in the experiences

that I have every single day. Yeah. So that was

good. Thank you for explaining that and just

telling the world basically how you feel and

what your feelings were and. I think that's something

very heroic. That type of thing that we do because

if especially if I feel that I do something and

then it comes out a positive, which it doesn't

always know here, we're trying to. This is the

goal of the podcast. But either way, whatever

it is or however it comes out, if I'm willing

to tell people or I don't even know who is listening,

then. I feel that I'm really open and honest

about what happened, what was the situation,

everything that I was saying, everything that

I'm saying, whatever the thing is. If I am willing

and have a desire to tell my story or say whatever

situation it is to basically, I don't know who,

or even a group of people, something more...

more people than a one -on -one. Because a one

-on -one is we're talking here, you and me, and

we know that it's gonna be released and we don't

know who is gonna hear it. But it's different

than a one -on -one that's private, which this

is not, right? It's different than a group or

a lecture or something in public or whatever.

So at that point now, when I do a one -on -one

as compared to that, I have a completely different

mindset. So if I wanna talk to somebody personally,

where I know nobody's gonna listen, that requires

one mindset. And that is part of my process of

whatever it is I'm talking about, because that's

the subject. So then, but now, if I wanna go

beyond that and tell other people, more people

than one, now I have a completely different mindset.

And that takes me now to a different part of

the process. And that's why I want to know the

ending. This is why I do this story in this format.

And it's okay if I say it and they don't say

it. Right. Absolutely. Because they might think

that they have it. And then when they on the

podcast, they tell their story, they don't. But

the point is that This is done this way for a

reason because the process is this and then this

happened and then this is going to complete it.

But to us, it's completed because this is one

one specific thing or thing or things that we're

talking about. But there could be something that

goes past what we're saying because we're going

to talk about how you are now. But. It could

continue the your process. It could be something

different. You could learn a lesson. I mean,

there's tons of things that could happen right

beyond here, beyond what we're talking about

here. But this is just a simple example about

something that abuse that I can get through.

This is just a very explanation that is just

saying. that I don't have to have this mindset

forever, for the rest of my life, or even till

tomorrow. I can do something right now. I could

change right now, right this second. What happened

yesterday, or what happened even an hour ago,

is done. It's gone. It's gone. It's in the past.

It means nothing. But I can, right this second,

I can say to myself, I'm going to change right

now. I listen to this podcast. I heard this thing.

Somebody told me something. I am going to make

the decision to change right now. Right. The

second. And when I do that, what's going to happen

going forward? I might go a little bit towards

it, but then I might run away and go backwards

and then go forwards and then go backwards again.

That could be my process or I could just go forwards.

You know what I mean? I never go backwards. The

point is that when I make that decision. To change,

and this is an if, because this is just a scenario.

If I make that decision to change and I say I'm

going to do something right now about it, and

I am not going to let anything hold me back,

and I know that this has to happen that way,

that's when the process starts. I totally agree.

It's going to kickstart. And what's going to

happen after that? Well, we just told the story

about you and you being abused and all that stuff.

So we just told the story. And I have other podcasts,

too, that explain because everybody has their

own individual story. There's no two stories

that are alike, but we have things that we could

pick out. And not only about the abuse, there's

other things there that you were saying. You

sued your your father, family member, maybe somebody

sued their family member. I mean, there's tons

of stuff here that somebody can identify with.

So this is really what we're trying to get the

point across here in this podcast. And I don't

think that there is one way to complete a process

or move forward or make that decision. There's

many different ways. And how I go through that

is determined by what? determined by me, it's

determined by other forces, too. But that's probably

another conversation for another podcast. What

I want to say is I named my book piece by piece

because it is the process for me. And that's

not for everyone. It's just building piece by

piece and giving back to other. I have two kind

of things that I think. has brought me forward

and gotten me through the process. One is music.

We know that music causes endorphins. We know

that music does just all kinds of things that

we can't even explain for our bodies and our

minds and our souls. I think that's a really

important component. The second one is, I took

what I won and that money goes to help organizations.

have produced a podcast as well, No Child Should

Hurt. I'm not on it. But I've also had bedrooms

redecorated of child survivors so they didn't

have to go back to the rooms they were in. And

so actively helping others. is is in itself part

of the process and and being able to identify

that, yes, I'm not the only one in there. People

who just need to see that there is something

in front of how they're feeling right now. So

I have this woman that I know and she's a spiritual

teacher advisor and she works with raising the

vibration in your body. So it's kind of like

your nervous system. But we have that's the medical

part of your body system that we use that refers

to that. But what happens is when you listen

to music or you exercise, right, or you're doing

something made probably that's stronger than

your mindset at that time, right, that's raising

the vibrations in your body. So you literally

have levels of sounds. And when you hear that.

It completely changes your mindset sometimes

from just feeling like nothing to feeling great

in a matter of less than an hour. And that's

why and the endorphins have a lot to do with

it. But music is just and to me, because I love

music, it's an unbelievable way of doing that,

of making me feel good and feel positive. And

I'm just getting rid of that type of energy that

I had before I listened to that negativity or

worry or fear or whatever it was, because that's

probably going to take it away. But when I stop,

it'll come back. That's another conversation

for another podcast, too. Sure. Another thing

is the beach serenity, the ocean sounds. So there's

all different this. This is what I like. You

know what I mean? Not everybody likes this, but

there's all different sounds. all different examples

that we could we could talk about here. And that's

what it's doing. It's raising your energy level.

It's raising your vibration. She does it through

meditation, which she taught me. I can do it.

It's easy to do. But I mean, it kind of takes

a little. You got to get the knack of it. That's

that's what I'm trying to say. Yeah. And I I

have the privilege of conducting choirs and listening

to all kinds of harmonies and music and and My

son who is a social worker said, I go to swimming

and I love listening to the music while I'm in

the water. He said, well, the vibrations in the

water have 10 times the effect than outside of

the water. Mom, did you know that? No, I just

happened to stumble on it and it's something

that works for me a lot. Very, very good. I really

like it. So how do you feel today based on everything

we just talked about in this podcast, based on

your whole process and your story and everything

we just talked about? How do you feel today right

now? I feel hopeful because I think sometimes

I ask myself, was it really worth? Finding my

voice, was that worth it? And by talking to you

through this process, I'm even growing as a person.

And it's part of that process. You and I are

having this conversation. I'm going to go get

to make music with my students this afternoon.

I was listening to music this morning and really

I feel extremely hopeful about the future and

about other people's futures as well. Yeah, and

it's all growth and that's an excellent thing.

As we close, this conversation is a reminder

that progress really comes from one big decision,

but from the internal choices we repeat. If something

from today's discussion connected with you, take

a moment to notice how those internal choices

showed up in your own life. This has been the

Internal Shift Show. Thank you for listening.

Thank you, Cheryl, for being on the show. I appreciate

it. Thank you so much.